- Say "Bzz" again! I dare ya! I double dare ya! Say "Bzz" one mo' god damn time!
- — Xytan while holding an Energy Sword to a captured Drone during the Great Schism
As a youngling, Xytan was born and raised on the Overpopulated Elite Colony Planet Thing known as: "Butsecks". So life was hard for Xytan being raised by a single parent. But Xytan's mom still did a good job raising him. Xytan found himself attending preschool at 1 month old. What a wonderful experience for Xytan
Toddlerhood (wtf?) and PreschoolEdit
As a toddler (or what Elites consider to be a toddler), Xytan attended the Preschool of Pwnage. He was a bad boy as he had a record for humping his teachers leg, setting 4 other children on fire, and pissing on the toys and shoving them down kid's throats while saying, "Yo dawg, I herd u liek piss". He was kicked out of the Preschool of Pwnage, but at age 2, he crawled to the Elementary School of Pwnage and told the Principle that he was 5 years old.
Elementary School TimesEditThis is when Xytan became a big boy, well, not really because he lied. But anyway, like I said, he lied to the princaple at the Elementary School of Pwnage to get in. He told the principle that he was 5 years old and the Principle actually believed it due to his height. So then the Principle said, "Kid, congratulations, you are now in our
When he was age 20, he found a fine elite lady on the street. He walked over to her and said "Babe, I put the STD in 'Stud', now all I need is 'U'". The elite lady was automatically seduced by Xytan's badassness, tallness, and swagga. So they fucked in the lady's apartment, they fell in love and had 3 kids, "Pytan", "Nytan", "Fytan", and "Xytan 'Jar Wattinree the II", yes, he was a very unimaginative parent. They were as tall as he was at their age, which was pretty tall. You know he's 11'6 ft. tall right now right? GAWD DAYUM!
Joining the CovenantEditXytan, his bitch and his kids were strolling around in their Limo one day, randomly blowing up shit with it's laser and suddenly, they found a crashed UFO in a city on their planet. Near the UFO was standing none other than the Prophet of Time. Time was mumbling to himself, "God damn it! I don't have Time for this!" "I need to get an Imperial Admiral before Time runs out!". Xytan then got out of his Shadow and walked over to the Prophet and said, "I'll do it". Xytan's manlyness and badassness turned the heterosexual Prophet of Time homosexual. Time said, "Well hello there sexy! You got the job! Rawrr :)". They then both got randomly teleported to High Charity to the Prophet of Truth's chamber. When the Prophet of Truth looked at Xytan, he shat himself from intimidation of Xytan's badassness. "You got the job! Now don't kill me!" said Truth, then the Prophet of Time said, "Nah, he's to hawt to do anything like that! *wink*" Xytan then stabbed Time in the heart with his Energy dagger and fed it to his pet Drone. All of the Prophets in the room soiled themselves, except one, the Prophet of Haters, who was not intimidated by Xytan at all. But Haters did see Xytan as a threat to his superiority, seeing as how Haters is the one that should be pwning everything. "Lets perform a test, if he can defeat me in a basketball game, he will become an Imperial Admiral". All the other Ballchinians nodded their heads in agreement (I should tell you that this is how the Covenant tests all of their soldiers). So then, Haters escorted Xytan to his personal Basketball Court. After 4 hours of them ballin' on eachother, they grew tired and decided to put an end to the nonsense, for they were clearly evenly matched when it came to bball. It was a tie game with 194788943897 to 194788943897. Haters considered Xytan a worthy opponent and made him the Imperial Admiral. Wattinree commanded his fleet and started randomly destroying civilizations that didn't believe in Santa Clause. Haters used to dislike Xytan but then became best friends with him, they hung out every weekend and smoked crack together. Xytan was Haters' favorite warrior, until, the Great Schism.
The Great SchismEdit
When the Elites found out that the Covenant was a lie, Xytan and his army started clappin off at dem hooliganz that betrayed them. There were about 7175817057389759829157890327809156856432016509 dead Brute bodies in High Charity and floating in space around High Charity. Xytan didn't go after Haters because they had an agreement to let eachother live, but they weren't as good friends anymore. But then Xytan just randomly went after the Humans with his army because he was in the mood to kill them.
When Xytan took his army after the Humans, a random NOVA bomb blew up and destroyed him and his entire army. He died right there. To this day you can still see his corpse floating in the vacuum of space. Thank god he's dead though right? I mean, I was getting tired of him stealing all my girls...
LegacyEditXytan is remembered for being the most badass and tall Elite in all of the Covenant. For pwning other students, teachers, brutes, and civilizations. He is remembered for being Haters' favorite Elite. He is remembered for being awesome, noble, sexy, ill, sick, dope, ballin', and other compliments. He will not ever be forgotten, but his son, Xytan 'Jar Wattinree the II, now follows in his footsteps of awesomeness by fighting the NPP and the Krawl from Spectrobes, he also has a Spikan! I wish I had a fucking Spikan!
Appearances in the Hula Hoop SeriesEdit
- Halo: Ghosts of Onyx (that one book that's long as hell) <First Appearance>
- He is a fucking giant (Eleven feet tall man!!!)
- He's that guy you wish you were.
- He's a really cool guy and isn't afraid of anything.
- He blew up his homeworld once, then used his Gruntiness to put it back together.
- He is the one person to sare at the sun for a minute without squinting. Swear to god.
- Xytan even made Master Chief shit his pants
he just fucked yo mama