United Nations Space Command

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We, the people of the UNSC... wait... we the people of what?

— A drunk UNSC Chairman in 2163

On Soviet Earth, Government vote on YOU!

— Random Russian Marine on the UNSC

I'm fed up with these motherfucking Marines on this motherfucking ring!

— Samuel L. Jackson, aka Badass Johnson

The United Nations Space Command or UNSC is the military, scientific and exploratory arm of the United Nations, Colonial Administration Authority, and the United Earth Government where every sissy (except those who're not a bunch of whiny Europeans and God-less Commies.) can join in and become a Marine without any training.

[edit] History

The UNSC was formed by the UN in the 22nd century, when the USA was bribed by the UN to sponsor its armed forces against Communists and Fascists. Who would have thought Hitler and Lenin would come back from the dead and start killing people on the Jovian Moons and Mars?The name was originally going to be Unworthy Notoriously Slutty Cowards but one member spoke up at the last minute and said... "No". The UN Secretary General, despite being a notorious coward, sent millions upon millions of UN troops to their dooms in the far reaches of the Solar System while he rested his fat and lazy ass in his cheap armchair watching as the UN fought the war and giggling his days around. When the Master Chief and Mr. T arrived, the leader attempted to stand but drowned in his own turds.(Like the pun?).The war was later named The Interstupid War between Badass Dictatorships and Cowardly UN Shmucks.

[edit] Recruitment

The UNSC has rigorous physical examinations culminating in an eye-sight test. The only result of these examinations taken into consideration is the eye-sight one, with the only passing result being "legally blind." The UNSC also has training courses for all of its members including "target practice" in which the marines learn to shoot. "Bullet dodging practice" in which marines run around a field trying not to be shot by those doing target practice. High Command once attempted to change this method of training, after statistics were uncovered outlining the 100% casualty rate experienced by participants in the "Bullet dodging practice" but the post-it note that the order was written on was mistaken for a grocery list and instead all marines are now issued the following: -eggs -brown eggs -fish eggs -special K -beans -vitamin water (known by the general public as "semen") -mineral water (known by the general public as "mud")

The "target practice" exercise was once investigated on the grounds that it trained soldiers to shoot each other on the battlefield, and was directly linked to the 98% casualty rate experienced during all missions, however the text message from the general in charge of battleschool (promoted because of "extreme blindness") read: "v oqwenvlkwnvpiqwvnqrvioqernv qrivqiervnqirvnqe "bullet dodging training" field wfeobwuveifqywpefyvqdhva lollzz g2g ttyl ily omg wtf ttfn" and the investigators were all subsequently mistaken for targets during shooting exercises and killed.