- I'm fed up with these motherfucking Marines on this motherfucking ring!
- — Samuel L. Jackson, aka Badass Johnson
The United Nations Space Command or UNSC is the military, scientific and exploratory arm of the United Nations, Colonial Administration Authority, and the United Earth Government where every sissy (except those who're not a bunch of whiny 8-year olds and God-less Commies.) can join in and become a Marine without any training.Note- It is revealed in Halo 4 that UNSC stands for United Nations SWAG Command.
HistoryEditThe UNSC was formed by the UN in the 22nd century, when the USA was bribed by the UN to sponsor its armed forces against Communists and Fascists. Who would have thought Hitler and Lenin would come back from the dead and start killing people on the Jovian Moons and Mars?The name was originally going to be Unworthy Notoriously Slutty Cowards but one member spoke up at the last minute and said... "No". The UN Secretary General, despite being a notorious coward, sent millions upon millions of UN troops to their dooms in the far reaches of the Solar System while he rested his fat and lazy ass in his cheap armchair watching as the UN fought the war and giggling his days around. When the Master Chief and Mr. T arrived, the leader attempted to stand but drowned in his own turds.(Like the pun?).The war was later named The Interstupid War between Badass Dictatorships and Cowardly UN Shmucks.
The UNSC has rigorous physical examinations culminating in an eye-sight test. The only result of these examinations taken into consideration is the eye-sight one, with the only passing result being "legally blind." The UNSC also has training courses for all of its members including "target practice" in which the marines learn to shoot. "Bullet dodging practice" in which marines run around a field trying not to be shot by those doing target practice. High Command once attempted to change this method of training, after statistics were uncovered outlining the 100% casualty rate experienced by participants in the "Bullet dodging practice" but the post-it note that the order was written on was mistaken for a grocery list and instead all marines are now issued the following: -eggs -brown eggs -fish eggs -special K -beans -vitamin water (known by the general public as "semen") -mineral water (known by the general public as "mud"). It seems to be much more effective ammunition as they have such shitty weaponry anyways the target practice people now have to shoot the dodgers whle the dodgers naked, as to train not to laugh while shooting.
The UNSC has many non-combat units. One of the most famous is the Morale Boosters Unit, which specialized in "entertainment". There also are H4XX0R units, specilalizing in HAXXING other peoples devices, Janitorial Brigadiers, who are dead-beats who fail at everything besides cleaning, Driver Units, although they have as much skill as a 3 year old, and Holiday Squads, who are ordered to spread the holiday cheer to all the soldiers. We should not forget the higher-ups in the UNSC, who consist entirely of old white people who have enough wrinkles to give to the world twice and still have some left over. They do absolutely nothing except sit around and send marines to their death.
The dress code of the UNSC is drab and boring. It makes a Warcraft Junky look like Lily Aldridge. In combat, the armor issued to the marines prove to be as protective as t-shirts, and as useless as a trap door on a lifeboat.