Prophet of Haters
From Gruntipedia
The Prophet of Haters is well known amongst the Covenant, but not so much Humans or Flood (they can't really think anyway). His true label is The Prophet of Hate, but most call him the Prophet of Haters because he hates just about everything from Macy's, to Mcdonald's, to Pencils, to Books, to Recycling, to Skiing, to socks, to Snowboarding, to Moltov Cocktails, and so on.
He was most famous though for his battle with the Master Chief himself; but that's later on. This...is his story.
[edit] Early Life
The Prophet of Haters' true name is actually Bill Guy. He was raised on the lonely planet: Herpes. There he had a multitude of dreams, such as: becoming a surgeon, a model, a rapper, and ruler of the universe. Haters attended the university of Pepsi. There he learned many things of world-destroying technology, such as how to torture people with Pepsi.
At college, Haters was never picked on because the other kids knew that their SWAG level was inferior to his. Haters beat up nerds, killed them, and then he would crap all over their faces when they were dead as a sign of his swag/superiority. One day Haters was caught deficating all over some dead nerd's face by a student. He was told on and kicked out of the university.
He graduated and moved into his own apartment in the ghetto after being kicked out of the university.
[edit] How he Became the Biggest Hater Alive
One day, Bill was getting a slushie at Target. Then a bunch of women approached him, accusing him of "hatin" on their baby's daddy. Bill then recited this line:
"Jesus, are you like those whores from the Maury show?"
This enraged the women, for they were those whores from the Maury show. So they called their boyfriends over and they shot Bill in the gut.
He was rushed to the hospital. They gave him surgery but it was not successful. He was legally dead for about twelve seconds. Then he sprung back to life and broke one of the surgeons' necks.
So he was put in an insane asylum.
There he spent two days, thinking of how to escape. Two days later he ate his way through the stone walls.
He ran all the way back to his apartment. He got a gun and headed for Target.
There he found the women and their boyfriends who shot him shopping with a bunch of children. He shot one of the women in the back of the head, told the others to get down. Then he preached to them about how he was "The Prophet of Haters." Then one of the children tried to run, but the Prophet of Haters shot him in one of his butt cheeks, yelling, "ASS-SHOT!" Two minutes later he killed the five women, three boyfriends, and sixteen children by snapping their necks. This earned him a spot in the Book of World Records for "the killing of the most people in about three minutes."
[edit] How he Became a Prophet
Two years later, he signed up for the role of a Prophet with the Covenant. They found his anger to be quite useful and called him the Prophet of Hate.
[edit] His Works in the Covenant
The Prophet of Haters was one of the most powerful Prophets in the Covenant, second only to the Prophet of Truth, and even he feared Hate's anger.
The Prophet of Haters was in charge of the court system in the Covenant. Those who he found guilty would either be killed, forced to listen to a quire of Jackals sing until their minds imploded, or forced to watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup over and over again until they had visions of Cortana getting breast implants between Halo 2 and Halo 3.
He is famous for his capturing of Meat and Taters; two douchebags who eventually became heroes.
The Prophet of Haters was deemed Criminally Insane by most Jackals because of the fact that the Prophet of Hate ate a 200 pound Brute after killing him with a Plasma Rifle.
[edit] Involvement with the War on Humanity
The Prophet of Haters was the main progressor of the war on Humans. Any paper that had the words "destroy people" on it was immediately signed and passed.
He hated Humans, he hated everything.
Soon, the Index was in the hands of the Prophet of Truth. So he and Mercy went along as Master Chief teleported into High Charity.
The Prophet of Haters heard of an incoming ship packed with AIDS and decided to stay behind in an effort to lead a troop of Drones to disable the ship.
As the Drones approached the ship, he waited in his holy chamber, looking out the window at them. Then, he found a warning on his Mac. It was from the Prophet of Truth. It said: HOLEY $HI7! MASTER CHIEF HAS ENTERED THE PROPHET'S CHAMBERS! GET OUT OF THERE! ALSO, HORDES OF AIDS HAVE ENTERED, TIME TO LEAVE!
But, the Prophet of Haters did not leave, he waited on his throne for Master Chief to arrive. After about three seconds, Master Chief came in.
This was the moment that the Prophet of Haters had been waiting for his whole life: a chance to kill the Master Chief.
"So John," he said, "let this be our ultimate battle." The prophet pulled out a bowl of ramen noodles and ate them in one bite.
The Master Chief pulled out an Energy Sword he stole from a dying Elite and began to scan his biolevels. With amazement, he said, "his SWAG level; IT'S OVER 50,000!!"
Haters pulled out a Plasma Pistol and shot his Brute guard. He took his Gravity Hammer and battled the Master Chief for about five minutes. The Prophet of Haters had studied the art of fighting and found himself to be equally matched to the Master Chief. This battle raged on until the AIDS interrupted. Master Chief ran away, leaving Haters to fend off the AIDS.
Haters knew what he had to do. So, he threw a grenade at them and jumped out the window.
He fell over 182 feet and landed on a Phantom. He drove it to the Ark's control room where he would meet Truth.
When he arrived, he found Miranda pointing a Pistol and a Shotgun at some Brutes.
The Prophet of Haters gave the Prophet of Truth a Spiker and said, "SHOOT THAT WHORE!" So Truth pwned Miranda, activated the Hula Hoops, and was killed by the Arbiturd. Just as Haters was about to pwn the "Arbiturd," Gravemind came and broke it up.
Eventually, Master Chief broke up the Covenant and Haters found himself unemployed.
[edit] Battle with Kwarsh and Yapyap's Elite Squad
One day while Haters was looking for a job, an elite squad came out of nowhere and began to attack him.
Haters used his lightning reflexes to jump in the air and whip out a pair of SMGs. He began sprayin' lead at da police... Hataz don't be likin' da pilice. Then he landed and started ballin on everybody. He shoved his foot so far up their asses that he could touch their brains with his pinky toe.
Then Haters attempted to escape in the SWAGcopter. As he flew away, he flipped off the Elites. Little did he know, he had taken his hands off the controls. The SWAGcopter made a nose dive and crashed into a school bus. Then some kid came up and started screaming, "BLOOD! BLOOD!"
Haters walked away from the crash safely and continued searching for a job.
[edit] Employment at White Castle
Haters soon found himself working at White Castle until he saw a Human come in. The man asked for 50 burgers. "WHAT!?!? I'm not going to give you $HI7! I'm just going to $hi7 on your dead body when I'm done killing you!" With that, he tackled the man and beat him until he drowned in his own blood due to internal bleeding; and yes, he crapped on his dead body.
The Prophet of Haters was sent to the insane asylum...again.
[edit] How he Broke out
He broke out by killing his room-mate ,billy the kid, and throwing him at the wall.
Once the Prophet of Haters was out, he shot some zombie with his personal Plasma Pistol and stole his zombie mobile.
Then Haters rode to a Covenant Sepratist base, PWN'D everyone in it, and took a the sepratist phantom: TIDDLES.
The Prophet flew off into the sky to meet the prophet Adolf Hitler.
[edit] The Fate of the Prophet of Haters
When Haters broke out, he stole a Phantom and cruised around the universe randomly blowing up civilizations.
Haters destroyed thousands of worlds with his photon lazors of SWAG. He was an unstoppable force and everyone feared his awesome power because it is awesome.
He is still at large.
[edit] $hi7 he did
-Haters made "death by song," in which a prisoner would listen to a quire of Jackals sing until his brain imploded.
-He set the record for "most people killed in about three minutes."
-Flipped America the bird on the Dr. Phil show.
-Jumped up and down on Oprah's couch
-Broke out of the Insane Asylum.
-Sexually harrassed Sarah Palin.
-Had a hard-core battle with Master Chief.
-Haters made "death by porn," in which a prisoner would watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup over and over again until they died or had visions of Cortana getting breast implants between Halo 2 and Halo 3.
-Worked at White Castle.
-Assisted in the murder of Miranda Keyes.
-Blew up 5,003 planets.
-Created 1 guy 1 cup
-Blackmailed the presindent
[edit] Something REALLY gay he did
Before Haters was the ultimate hater he told a retarded marine to come with him. Haters then told the marine to shove a jar up his @$$ or get his dick shot off. The marine was retarded enough to shove a jar up his ass while Haters filmed it. Haters posted on the Internet and got many views! It was called 1 guy 1 cup and many people respond to it by saying, "WHO THE FU<K DOES THAT!?" This soon became the biggest $hi7 on the web and Haters was known as a faggot.
[edit] Haters on the Big Screen
The Prophet of Haters soon realised how awesome his story was and decided to go and have a movie made all about himself. So he met up with 30th Century Fox and they made the movie starring:
- The Prophet of Haters as himself.
- Chuck Norris as Master Chief.
- Brittany Spears as Miranda.
- Angelina Jolie as Cortana.
- Meat and Taters as themselves.
- Dr. Phill as Gravemind and himself.
- Soulja Boy as Soulja Boy the Jackal.
- 50 Cent as Sgt. Johnson.
- A lightbulb on a string as 343 Guily Spark.
- Prophet of Truth as himself.
- The Beast as himself.
- Patrick Swayze and Oprah Whinfrey as Flood Combat Forms.
- Arbiter as himself.
- Maury Povich as Lord Hood.
It also required music, which they hired Metallica, Flo Rida, and a bunch of monks to do. It was directed by Stephen Speilburg and produced by the Prophet of Haters.
The movie hits theaters on April 1, 2009. Be there!
Runtime: OVER 9000 MINUTES!
Rating: OMG for: five sex scenes, horrid violence, badassness, massed offensive jokes, mild language, nudity, showing the red ring of death, torture, disturbing/hilarious images, science fiction violence, awkward situations, showing this person's face, making fun of Zach Efron's hair, multiple references to da thug life, guns, grenades, weapons of mass destruction, nukes, including Sonic the Hedgehog 2006, nuclear disasters, gettin' some, showing a bodybuilder, including Oprah Whinfrey, making fun of the Ellen Degeneres Show, making fun of other lesbian associated things, making fun of football players for getting drunk and doind stupd things which end up killing their reputation, showing White Castle, and everything else that's bad in the world.
Critic comments:
... what the fu<k did I just watch!?!?
- — A critic after watching the Prophet of Haters movie.
- What a cast...
- — A critic after seeing that Brittany Spears had a role.
- You know what, f*** this.
- — A critic leaving the room after he saw Angelina Jolie and Dr. Phill gettin' it on in the movie.
- I think I have brain cancer.
- — The only critic who actually sat and watched the whole movie.
- HOL-E SH**! What the!?!?! Mother f*****! God it hurts!
- — Critic screaming as an alien bursted out of his chest after he watched the first half-hour of the movie.
[edit] Famous Quotes
- GIVE ME FIFTY WHOPPERS NOW!
- — The Prophet of Haters at Burger King.
- Baby, you can have whatever you like...
- — Prophet of Haters hitting on a female prisoner.
- WHAT!?!? I'm not going to give you $HI7! I'm just going to $hi7 on your dead body after killing you!
- — The Prophet of Haters talking to a customer at White Castle.
- @$$-SHOT!
- — The Prophet of Haters shooting a child in the @$$.
- I wonder what's happenin' on da gruntipedia...er...what the hell? BLAKE HAS A CAMERA IN MY BEDROOM!?!?!?!
- — Prophet of Haters reading an article on gruntipedia...
- GOD! This apartment smells like sweaty balls!
- — The Prophet of Haters getting his new apartment.
- THIS IS YO MAMA!
- — The Prophet in a "yo mama" duel.
- FU<K YOU!
- — The Prophet of Haters to just about anyone.
- Fu<k you America!
- — The Prophet on Elite News Channel 7 during the Dr. Phil show.
- Gruntiness is made of...oh crap...I just ate...SON OF A BI7<H!
- — The Prophet of Haters after finding out what Gruntiness is made of.
- I HATE YOU! YOU FUCKING SUCK...
- — The Prophet of Haters getting mad because Truth stole his whopper.
[edit] Connection with Meat and Taters
The Prophet of Haters appears to hate Meat and Taters but, in fact, he actually kind-of likes the two. He secretly admires their friendship and devotion. This also proves that the Prophet of Haters does have a heart, it's just a small one.
He once even fought The Beast to save them.
When he heard the news of how they died in the Flood hive, he was utterly destroyed on the inside. Eventually though, he was able to cope with it. He never forgot Meat and Taters though...
When he learned of thier resurrection, he threw a party that involved him saying yay, ending with him being thrown into the insane asylme...again, and everyone else who came being executed.
[edit] What People Have to Say About Him
The following quotes were recoreded during a meeting in which Dr. Phil (Gravemind) asked them, "What do you think of the Prophet of Haters?"
- Haters? That guy is the biggest ass the galaxy has ever seen since chocolate rain, hell, he called us all douchebags and threatened to incinerate our plantets. That guy might have enough swag to deflect a splazer shot, but he's pretty messed up.
- — Master Chief.
- I think he's okay, he might be a little screwed up in the head but many of us can cope with it. Just like how we have to cope with people in wheel chairs slowing us down in the hallways at the nipple academy.
- — Random grunt.
- I still have nightmares about him...forcing me to watch...2 Girls, 1 Cup. OVER AND OVER. RIFFASMAFFABLAFFA!
- — Meat the brute.
- I'll agree, I think haters is the hugest ass to grace the universe. Still, I think he is a great leader, a symbol of power and swaggyishness stuff amongst the Covenant. It was cruel fate that he swayed from us...
- — Arbiturd.
- I think he's a frakin douche...
- — Taters.
- I agree with the short one.
- — That one guy with half a jaw.
- Me smash you human!
- — Brute Chieftan.
- HULK SMASH!
- — The Hulk.
- Ima Firein' Ma LAZAR!
- — Chuck Norris (lulz, how did he get in here)?
- Woart Woart Woart!
- — Some stupid Elite.
- YUR MUTHER!
- — That noob down the street.
- I like carrots...
- — Petie the Chihuahua.
- Can somone please say something usefull?
- — Some stuck up biatch...wait, nevermind, it's just Cortana.
- Shut up my little whore.
- — Master Chief.
- Jesus, sorry! Not you Master Chief, the other Jesus.
- — Cortana.
- What were we even talking about anyway?
- — Soulja Boy the Jackal.
- I don't know; let's all go to White Castle.
- — That one guy with half a jaw.
- wabuchee babuchee(i wanna keel you)
- — Soulja Boy the Jackal.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- He likes Burger King...a lot.
- He is surprisingly not racist, just hatin' on everybody.
- He is powered by ramen noodles.
- He is still alive today.
- He is the one who gave Truth a Spiker.
- He likes pwnin' emos.
- He is a fan of Jacke Chan.
- He hates the administrators ban hammers because they're so much better than his hammer.
- He watches Spongebob Squarepants.
- His swag is so powerful that it can deflect a splazer shot. This is shown in a multiplayer match where some noob named Spaghetti&Noodles shot him with a spartan lazer; it was deflected off the prophet and hit another player. Strangely the smell of the lazer bouncing off haters smelled like a lot of AXE.
- His favorite food is tacos.
- When he gets really angry, a vein pops out in his head and his eyes change color.
- His hands are stained with the blood of his enemies and aproximately five noobs.
- He uses Aqua Di Geo cologne.
- He can use all weapons except the rocket lawn chair, the famous ban hammer, and the SMG(because it sucks).
- The Prophet of Pissyness is his step-cousin.
- He was legally dead for about twelve seconds.
- His favorite word is "whore."
- Gets drunk everyday 24/7
- Uses Gillete shaving cream
[edit] Final Message
On September 24, 2553, the Prophet of Haters broadcasted a message to the entire Milky Way Galaxy. Here it is:
"You are, all of you, douchebags. Just like Meat and Taters; but I am the riteous voice of the universe. I say, you will all die and meet Bill Gates in hell...you will be PWN'D by my ultra-powerful hand!"
These were the last words heard from him. He is still at large and has blown up 5,003 planets since then.
[edit] His Legacy
The Prophet of Haters was known for his anger, power, and strength. The legend he leaves behind with us is that of the most powerful Prophet to live. A tyrant who refused to die to haters...
