Miranda Keyes
From Gruntipedia
Miranda Keyes, also known as THE SEXIEST WOMAN ON EARTH, (probably because most of the women on earth was scorchered with plasma) is a Halo Character. She had a relationship with Avery Johnson dispite her father's wishes. They often slept with each other and did it every Friday. She died when a testicle chin shot her in the back with a nailgun.
Born on a world with literally no history, all she had to look forward to was following in her father's footsteps as part of the Navy. She never did know her mother, but it has been rumored that she was Catherine Halsey in a particularly whoring mood during the early days of her insanity.
Like her father, Miranda was good at piloting the crappy ships that the UNSC tried to use against the superior whale shaped ships that the Covenant used to embarrass the humans with for the better part of nearly thirty years. It wasn't until she met the Master Chief that she had any real internal conflicts in life.
While long claimed as property of Avery J. Johnson, when she saw the Master Chief for the first time, she was almost immediately attracted to his green shiny armor and his oddly baritone voice. Too bad that the Chief was essentially like a neutered dog and felt no attraction to Keyes, and instead continued his bizarre fetish to have sex with holograms.
This longing for things she couldn't have spearheaded her suicidal career, like taking a single frigate to a Halo where Covenant forces and Flood were all over the place, and trying to fill her lust for the Master Chief by sexing up the corpses of Elites (though it is well known that elites have no sex parts). Johnson was particularly angry when he found her having an affair with an Elite body, but found that he enjoyed it and desired a living target he could watch her do.
Good thing they met a well mannered Elite they called the Arbiter, which led to many kinky and strange threesomes which will not be described for the better of our younger readers. This still could not fill Master Chief's love for her the way she thought it would and she became undone, an irrational mess held together by the leather of Johnson's leash.
Her last action was following Johnson's order to save him from the ballchinian and his hairy protectors, the Brutes. But realizing that this was her last opportunity to gain the Chief's attention, she flew a Pelican in like an action movie hero and showed she had bigger balls than any spartan by duel-wielding a pistol and shotgun. Unfortunately, the Master Chief wasn't there yet and E.T. still wanted to activate the rave party of the damned. Johnson, now realizing her attraction to the Chief, ordered her to kill him and then herself, but couldn't even do that right as she was cut down right before her master, after her back ate several spiker rounds resulting in the anger of many n00bs at her loss.
The Master Chief saw her body and uttered the famous quote "Ima Firin ma Lazah!" It was interpreted that by this he meant he wished to "plow" Ms. Miranda with his "penis" and fire off some rounds of Ejaculation. Master Chief became jealous when he saw Johnson carry her body into the Pelican and started having an affair with it, before the Gravemind showed up, Johnson purposely left him while having an affair leaving him stranded with the Flood to get revenge on him stealing his girl.
[edit] Things About Miranda Keyes
Things about Miranda Keyes is a tv show for noobs honoring miranda keyes by saying how sexy she is the show premiered on adult swim at 1:00 on July 3, 2009.
People who been on the show
The ghost of Michael Jackson (Scary)
Dr. Phil
Ronald Mcdonanld
Trivia
Miranda Keyes' boobs inflate when she is nervous.
She is aroused by the Arbiter.
She is a 5-star General on Halo 3 Matchmaking.
She is the 'Yo Mama Joke Galactic Champion'.
She has very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very big boobs.
| Characters | ||
| UNSC | ||
|
Chuck Norris | Compute-whore | Badass Mofo | Johnson's Bitch | Flood Beach Ball | 1000x better than Captain Keyes | Warthog Guy | ||
| Covenant | ||
| E.T. Gone Bad | Tartar Sauce | Arbiturd | Rats in a Vacuum | That Baller | Prophet of Sagginess | Boss Battle #1 | Prophet of Pimps | The Real Prophet of Haters | Female Prophets Exist?? | Suck'a Zombie | Dem D-Bags | The Ugly Turkey | ||
| Other | ||
| Lightbulb | Captain Stinky Breath | King of Grunts | Yapyap the First | Another grunt with the Yapyap name | "Pope" Yapyap III | TIDDLES |
