- Miranda Keyes is so sexy, I hit that 2552 style-I mean, what?
- — Halopedian when asked about how attractive Miranda is
Miranda Keyes, also known as THE SEXIEST WOMAN ON EARTH, (probably because most of the women on Earth were scorched with plasma) is a Halo Character. She died when a testicle chin shot her in the back with a staple gun.
BackgroundEditLike her father, Miranda was good at piloting the crappy ships that the UNSC tried to use against the superior whale shaped ships that the Covenant used to embarrass the humans with for the better part of nearly thirty years. It wasn't until she met the Master Chief that she had any real internal conflicts in life.While long claimed as property of Avery J. Johnson, when she saw the Master Chief for the first time, she was almost immediately attracted to his green shiny armor and his oddly baritone voice. Too bad that the Chief was essentially like a neutered dog and felt no attraction to Keyes, and instead continued his bizarre fetish to have sex with holograms.
This longing for things she couldn't have spearheaded her suicidal career, like taking a single frigate to a Halo where Covenant forces and Flood were all over the place, and trying to fill her lust for the Master Chief by sexing up the corpses of Elites (though it is well known that elites have no you-know-whats). Johnson was particularly angry when he found her having an affair with an Elite body, but found that he enjoyed it and desired a living target he could watch her do.
Good thing they met a well-mannered Elite they called the Assbiter, which led to many kinky and strange threesomes which will not be described for the better of our younger readers. This still could not fill Master Chief's love for her the way she thought it would and she became undone, an irrational mess held together by the leather of Johnson's "leash".
During the fight for the second hugeass ring, Miranda was captured by the hairy monkey leader, Tartarsauce. Tartarsauce led her around the ring all tied up, and though everyone knows what really happened: Tartarus ass-raped her three times every day she was in captivity. Miranda returned from captivity traumatized.
- She is a 5-star General on Halo 3 Matchmaking.
- She is the 'Yo Mama Joke Galactic Champion'.
- Although traumatized by her "experience" with Tartarus, she did enjoy his big dick.