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Overview of Meat Edit
Meat is a Brute. His real name was actually Petie. He wasn't much special among his Brute friends until he killed a load of Jackals at funeral with his bare hands and gave it to his family as a Thanksgiving feast. Since then, he was known as "Meat." Later, he invented Brute Aftershave (which, as you may have guessed, didn't sell well amongst Brutes), ran for President and won, and bit off an Elite's index finger because IT asked too many questions. He must have been a bit retarded.the Elites are supposed to be intelligent.
Life was good for Meat until the Prophet of Haters abducted him onto High Charity. Aboard, they strapped him to an electric chair and brain-washed him by making him watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup over and over again until he had a vision of Cortana getting gang raped by a bunch of fat midgets. He then got a massive boner and killed a bunch of Jackals and ate them. Afterwards, they threw him in room 69 until they found that he was needed.
Overview of Taters
Taters is a Grunt. His mother was a hooker and his father was a pimp. Tater's ma got pregnant on the "bed" and eventually gave birth to Taters alone in a van behind The Grunt Shack. When she was done, she left the van and was raped by a Grunt looking for crack money. Taters was abandoned there to fend for himself. After sitting on Whoppers and fries for sixteen hours, the Prophet of Haters found him (don't ask how, he was probably looking for cheeseburgers) and took him into High Charity. There, he was raised on a diet of steroids, cocaine and modified Gruntiness to make him the ultimate warrior.
After two hours of this, he was ripped. Taters was even able to beat the Arbiter (Arbiturd) in an arm wrestling match. He was a true warrior.
Eventually though, the Elites became jealous of his skill and filed demands to the Testicle Chins that he be put in the lonely room of 69 on the XXX wing or that they would hurl their own shits about the city. And so Taters was. In there, he had nothing to do but work out and make up songs about how his room smelled like vaginas. But after about a month, he became increasingly lonely. But, this problem was solved when he got a new room-mate. His name was Soulja Boy the Jackal. They enjoyed themselves there. Making up Hip-Hop songs and gay dances, playing "Balance the Coke", trying to get sneak peeks at Halo 4, etc. Sadly, their time was not long, for Soulja Boy was called to battle the Master Chief in hand to hand combat. After a few days, Taters got a package and in it was: all that was left of Soulja Boy...half of his forearm, which had Master Chief's signature on it.
The true fate of Soulja Boy is unknown... Although it was probably instantaneous death.
So Taters lived alone in room 69 for three years, cut off from the outside world, wondering how often Master Chief was able to shower...or go to the bathroom. That was..until he got a new room-mate. Meat the Brute.
How They Became Friends Edit
Taters' new room-mate was Meat the Brute. At first, they did not like each other because of their species' differences; but after months of confinement and endless Hip-Hop records, they began to talk about their pasts and how they got where they were today.
After time, they became such good friends that they made songs about the genital-like odor of the Prophets and dances too. They talked about how bad they wanted to bone Cortana and a bunch of other whores. They watched television and played Monopoly, the only things they had for entertainment.
Three more happy years they enjoyed in room 69. That was, until they were called to battle...
Their First Battle Edit
Meat and Taters were called into the Prophet's inner sanctum to receive their first orders. The Prophets demanded that they follow a jackass chief, some more grunts, two Elites and two Hunters into battle with the Master Chief. This was suicide but they had no other choice. How else would they be freed from the sex dungeon- turned-shitty apartment of Room 69?
The next morning, they took a dip in the butter cauldron and boarded the Phantom called: TIDDLES, where they were dropped off at Sierra 117 on Earth. They quickly received orders from the chief Jackal to move behind a rock. The Jackal felt that the Master Chief was close. Meat and Taters obeyed their orders.
So the whole squad sat there for almost two hours waiting for Master Chief to arrive. The silence was broken by Taters, he asked to take a piss and was granted permission to do so in a nearby bush. As Taters pissed, he noticed the bush move. Then it spoke: "Blinded by the light, Blinded by the muse! Who just pissed all over my suit!?" It was Master Chief. Taters was in shock. He began to run in the other direction, but Master Chief was too swift. He grabbed Taters and lifted him in the air, beginning to squeeze his throat.
Taters seemed doomed...until the Hunters shot Master Chief with a beam of green semen. Master Chief dropped Taters. Taters thanked the Hunters. He promised cheesecakes freshly baked from home. "Yum," said the Hunters in reply. Well they didn't, but Taters translated it.
"Damn!" He said, "haven't you retards wet on my suit enough!?"
Then he shot the Hunters with his assault rifle killing them, proceeding to pwn the two Elites by sticking them with their own sperm-covered Plasma Grenades.
Then, a bunch of faggot marines came, and feeling they were cramping his style, Chief moved on. Meat, Taters, and a bunch a screaming, panicky Grunts were left to fight the Marines. Being a Brute, Meat immediately took charge of the situation, and ordered all the grunts (Except Taters) to attack the Marine with the Battle Rifle. Needless to say, they were all cut down. Meanwhile, Taters was dual-wielding two Spikers, and owned 3 of the 5 Marines. However, the one with the Battle Rifle used his awesome (phail) aiming skills to knock the Spikers from Tater's hands, and startled him enough to make him flee to the aforementioned TIDDLES. Taters commandeered the Phantom while Meat dramatically jumped off a cliff & grabbed onto the Phantom. They barely escaped the 1000 BR rounds it would take to kill the Phantom. They began the long journey back home, picking up burgers and hoes along the way.
At High Charity, Meat and Taters received bad news. For the failure of not killing the Master(bate) Chief, they were fired from the Covies.
Their First Job Edit
After being fired, Meat and Taters recieved jobs as male strippers on the covenant planet of STRIPP3RSH3R3. After receiving various promotions they were finally fired after accidentally killing a group of elites that got too touchy. Having lost their respectable jobs the duo were forced to live in a life of poverty, until Taters won a winning 300000 cR lottery ticket. The two proceeded to become multi millionaires until they had spent all their money on beer and hookers. The two then got jobs at Frickers and eventually made an appearence on the Dr. Phil Show.
Appearance on the Dr. Phil Show Edit
Dr. Phil gave Meat and Taters a new car in exchange for them both appearing on his show. So who couldn't resist a shiny new car with words on it's sides that said: Don't Pass, Get Gas...Oh Wait, You're Too Poor So You Can't Get Gas Because You Work At Frickers. The deal was done.
Wednesday morning at 10:00 AM, Meat and Taters appeared in an episode of Dr. Phil dealing with the treatment of ass-ugly people. During the extra-long 3 hour show, Dr. Phil harassed them with thousands of personal questions, such as:
"Are you gay?"
"How much money do you typically earn every year?"
"Are you two partners?"
"What would you like to be when you grow up?"
And..."would you like fries with that?"
Meanwhile, the Prophet of Haters was watching and found the two retards that he was searching for. He was only searching for them cause he regretted letting them go earlier.
In the middle of the show, the Prophet of Haters drove the Phantom called: YAY KA BOOM-BOOM straight into the walls of Dr. Phil's stage. He had 10 Honor Guard Elites kidnap & cover Meat and Taters heads with KFC buckets into the Phantom. He approached the audience and flipped them off, as he did this, a screaming little girl came out of the producers room and ran out the exit. Then the Prophet of Haters left. On the way, Taters was sterilised with a serum of Jackal sperm which totally destabilised his systems and stopped his bloodstream. It was bound to have consequences.
Since that day, Dr. Phil was known as a child molester.
Return to High Charity Edit
When Meat and Taters returned to High Charity, they were immediately sent to the jails. There, the Prophets punished them by making them listen to a choir of singing Jackals outside the cell. It sounded like someone stepping on a cat, the scratching of nails against a chalk board, and a n00b getting raped.
Meat and Taters thought that they would go mad until something even worse happened. Taters started to cry & Meat rolled round in agony and weed.
In the midst of the fight, Meat and Taters escaped from their cell and retreated to room 69.
They had to finish the fight.
Meat and Taters devised a plan in their room to use the ventilation shafts to reach High Charity's major aircraft dock. The plan was almost flawless. They thought that they could steal a ship and escape once and for all eternity.
So Meat and Taters traveled through ventilation ducts towards the dock. Suddenly, the vents gave way. Meat and Taters landed in a room full of Flood. Taters couldn't help but say, "JESUS! It smells like Halo: Combat Evolved in here!" Meat pulled out a Brute Shot, Taters pulled out his trusty Nailguns. They fired away at the hordes of Flood.
Meat and Taters ran all the way to the dock; they had made it at last!
The Fate of Meat and Taters Edit
As they boarded the huge CSO-class assault superbattle Prophet carrier The Relentless Tax Man, Gravemind grabbed the back of the ship and slowly began to pull them in. Taters nearly shit himself, but Meat gave him a dead popcorn.
It was this moment that would define Meat and Taters as heroes forever. They knew that there was no chance of escape. Then Taters saw the "Self Destruct" button. They knew that there was no way to escape so they decided to push it.
Before they did, Taters yelled at the AIDS: "SUCK OUR POINTY BRUTE GRUNT DICKS!" Then he pushed the button. The ship exploded killing: Meat, Taters, and octillions of AIDS.
In the end Meat and Taters died.
But they won with a score of:
Meat and Taters: 965,674,111,138,963,456,321,890,354,534,674,087,876,898,009,782,876,543,567,222,287,876,278,278,972,167,198,254,986,451,094.3 (A flood got his arm blew off so that's 0.3 of a kill) (As it turns out, it was Soulja Boy the Jackal as flood, now missing both arms.)
The Legacy of Meat and Taters Edit
Meat and Taters were known as some of the most courageous infantry to brave the field of battle; but most of all, they were taken as an example that anyone can be friends...
Resurrection for Meat and TatersEdit
Meat and Taters found themselves in heaven and begged to God to be brought back to life. God, remembering the horrible mistake of bringing back the Beast, decided to resurrect them to cover for his mistake. They found themselves on an old rundown building with a crashed shitty Longsword by it. This is what They did...
Post-resurrection for Meat and TatersEdit
...They started a nightclub. The club was named "Pointy Dix" and was located in Detroit, Michigan, with other establishments in Brooklyn, NY and Las Vegas, NV. The club was very popular among Covenant races and after about 3 hours of opening the joint, the duo already had enough money to buy all the banks in Switzerland. They proceeded to renovate the Longsword - Xzibit took it to West Covenant Customs and it was soon revitalised into a flying purple strip club-restaurant. Legend has it, people still see the mythical Longsword flying above the skies like the badass it is. This is the end of Meat and Taters' story, but it is not the end of them.
- Longsword flies across the screen slowly as the credits pan down and finish the story*