Master Chief

From Gruntipedia

stupid f**king illegal aliens."

— Master chief after being ran over by a brute chopper

And on the Seventh Day, God said "I need a weapon."

— Teh Holy Bible

Tits or GTFO!

— A&TC's Master Chief's most common pick-up line over internet.

THIS. IS. HALO!!!

— Leonidas Master Chief on the popular video game series.

lolololololololololololol etc.......

— The Master Chief in "Arby n the Chief.

I'm not paying you to question me and my Chiefy ways!

— Master Chief to Cortana.

I wish the war would resume for a minute so I could exact revenge for this branding. or he could just buy me a few beers...and a reusable straw.

— the Arbiter about the chief.

Stupid Mexicans

— MC after getting ran over by captain Key's special delivery marines in halo 2.

The Master Chief is the the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalpyse, also known as Death and Green Mean Fighting Machine. He is the guy who saves the Earth, kicks some alien ass, chews bubble gum and sleeps with your mom. He's also the harbinger of doom for all that refuse to acknowledge his badassery. He is currently on trial for war-crimes against the Covenant people, including multiple counts of genocide, conspiracy against the Great Journey, ass-kicking without a permit, killing 6,340 human enforcement officers who tried to bust him for ass-kicking without a permit, and for stealing diesel fuel when he got thristy. He is either one of three people: God Almighty, Jesus Christ, or Chuck Norris. It seems that he keeps switching between the three.

BREAKING NEWS: We have received word that he is, in fact, a multi-faceted fusion of God, Jesus, Chuck Norris, AND Bruce Lee . This is quite possibly the only explanation or his infinite badassery.

Contents 1 Childhood 2 MC career as a rapper 2.1 Dangerous things he did (other than blow up Halo and infuriate the Covenant) 2.2 Augmentation 2.3 Halo 2.3.1 AIDS 2.4 Delta Halo 2.5 The Bark Bark (otherwise known as The Ark or Huge Fucking Puppy) 3 Interaction with the Prophet of Haters 4 War Crimes 5 Armor 6 2012 7 Trivia 8 Aftermath

[edit] Childhood

Born on Earth, and raised by Mr. T, John had a very traumatic upbringing in "da hood." Running away from home at an early age he was soon kidnapped by social deviants, who lured him to their evil van with candy. He was then indoctrinated into the ways of "badass", before being set loose upon an unsuspecting universe. Legends say that he can kill by merely looking you in the eyes(That's why he wears the helmet). Actually, people are normally already dead, on account of the Law of "I Has Teh Weapon Zorz," which states that the number of dead surrounding the Chief is proportional to the level of pent up sexual frustration inside of him. According to a poll in Halopedia, MC does not wear any underwear under all that metal. (It's true.)

[edit] MC career as a rapper

A.k.a. MC Diddy, but was sued by a jackhole rapper already who had the name, but MC Diddy figured out that Diddy really liked donkey Kong and lamp traded him these thing. He got to name all his songs on Youtube including the soon to be hit "Grunt and Nerdy Don with Lil Arbiter".

[edit] Dangerous things he did (other than blow up Halo and infuriate the Covenant)

• Told a "Yo Mamma" joke in the fucking face of a really really fucking pissed off Brute with a fucking Gravity Hammer.

• Had the balls to battle the Prophet of Haters.

• Went into a cramped room with about 200 brutes, 3000 jackholes, 80000 grunts and 100000 zealots and went out with a shiny new Gravy Hammer and a Energy Sword.

• Teamed up with Cortana.

• Teamed up with Cortana AND Captain Keyes.

• Teamed up with Cortana AND Captain Keyes AND a broken light bulb

• Teamed up with Cortana AND Captain Keyes AND a light bulb AND the goddamn Arbiter

• Gave a fucking marine a rocket launcher.

• He let a fucking marine drive his warthog.

• Showed down fucking Chuck Norris (a.k.a. creators of Gruntipedia)

• Threatened Lord Hood's life because he wouldn't stop making jokes about him holding a hammer and his initials being MC.

• Flipped an Elephant using just his pinkie.

• Didn't use a shitty shield with Cortana.

• Jumped out of a hornet over water to try to skyjack a banshee.

• 69 killing streak and 40 beat down medals in Mythic Maps.

• Stuck Johnsons bitch in the face with 3 plasma grenades, ran her over with a scorpion, shot her smooth ass, and pushed her off of the Dawn.

• Flashed a pissed off prophet of Haters right before battle.

• Showed his nuts in front of all the UNSC then detonated a nucular bomb inside Cairo!

• Kissed Miranda and had sex with her in the Forward Unto Dawn WITHOUT PERMISSION!

• Nearly fell out after asking Miranda to tickle him(she tickled him for a whole day).

[edit] Augmentation

Captured by the UNSC at the age of six, he was again indoctrinated into the ways of "Cheify Awesomeness," and sent to Reach where he met other victims of the "Badass" Program.

The Chief and co. were changed by doctors, so that they could wear super badass armor. The strain killed some because it was so painful. Ouch. Then, the Chief led a team of others in the Badass program to kill some others in the Badass program. The other dudes were killed. The UNSC saw through the ruse, and realized that the experiment had failed, and sent Jesus to kill him. The two then became friends by accident.

When the Covenant attacked, the UNSC realized they would get pwn3d like N00Bz, and pulled John out of his psychiatric ward, gave him a rifle, and sent him against the xenophobic aliens. Though he slaughtered billions, he realized that a suit of armor would improve his "Badass" powers, and stole one from Chillout Setee IV. Wearing it for the first time, he had an epiphany, realizing that he was the reincarnation of Death, the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse. The other Spartans agreed to follow him in battle (mainly because the Chief told them what he wanted to do to those who refused to follow him) against anyone and everything that refused to bow down before him, becoming the Imperial Stormtroopers of the Master Chief.

[edit] Halo

Chased down by the Covenant for his war-crimes, he abandoned his followers to their fate, stowing away on a random ship. When it arrived at Halo, John descended as a fiery angel to the ring-world, slaughtering billions more Grunts and leaving a fiery trail in his wake. God followed him, and the two actually teamed up together to take over Halo, killing the Covenant until there were really few left. Before they left god took back the Jesus Gun and Master chief cried. Then he went and pwned some jackholes on Earth.

[edit] AIDS

Sadly, the forces of righteousness were slaughtered by a massive outbreak of AIDS, leaving the Chief and Avery Johnson the only human survivors. They blew up God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine (aka a giant Hula-Hoop), and took off for the nearest Starbucks. A dude called the Arbiter was disgraced because of his stupidity. Recently, the Master Chief wrote a musical about it. 'We were all happy. Until the AIDS. Michael Jackson came and raped us all. And then I ripped of his skull and teabagged him, and Johnson pissed on his dick.'

[edit] Delta Halo

John's holy crusade against the Covenant led him back to Earth, where he proceeded to pwn N00Bs. They fled before his wrath, but not before God turned up, trying to stop John's slaughter of innocent Marines. John followed the Covenant through space and time to Delta Halo, executing the Prophet of Regret for being an infidel. he was thrown into the sea, and had a nice swim before being kidnapped (yet again) by a Super AIDS Cell.

He met with the Arbiter, and were talked at by Gravemind before being teleported elsewhere. Defying all logic, John was sent to High Charity, while the incompetent got to save the galaxy. Johnson teamed up with the Arbiter to stop Tartar Sauce from killing lots of people. But John, being sent to the one place everyone agreed he should never be sent to, proceeded to commit genocide on a level never before seen in the galaxy. John left Cortana behind because she was being whiny, and followed the Prophet of Truth to Earth on a space ship. He had a fun ride.

[edit] The Bark Bark (otherwise known as The Ark or Huge Fucking Puppy)

The ship's crew, after playing a prolonged and bloody game of hide-and-die, eventually kicked John off, and he descended to Earth leaving a fiery wake, crashing in some jungles. Johnson rescued him, but then the Arbiter turned up. They relieved their aggressions on each other, engaging in a titanic dual, then agreed to kill the Covenant first. They fought many Covenant forces and even some AIDS before arriving at the Hula Hoop Maker, leaving a bloody trail of corpses behind them. Instead of doing the sensible thing, and trap the Flood until they could destroy it for good, they blew up a new Hula Hoop, killed some allied dudes, and fled like the little babies they were. I heard you, you little worthless stack of crap! I'll find you and give you a slow and painful death! Signed, the Master Chief.

[edit] Interaction with the Prophet of Haters

When Master Chief boarded High Charity with the AIDS, he found the prophet's inner sanctum. There he stole a sword from a dying elite and flipped him the bird as he died.

He continued into one of the Prophet's rooms. There he saw the back of a gravity throne. It slowly turned and he saw the Prophet of Haters sitting in it, Haters said, "so John, let this be our ultimate battle." Master Chief pulled out his Energy Sword as the Prophet of Haters shot a brute in the head and stole his Gravity Hammer.

They battled for five minutes. Master Chief was surprised at the amount of SWAG eminating from the Prophet's body; this was turning out to be a tough battle. Then, a storm of AIDS came in and Master Chief ran away.

That was the last time they ever saw each other but the Prophet of Haters is still looking for a rematch...

[edit] War Crimes

The Master Chief has slaughtered billions upon billions of Covenant,99 percent of them Grunts, and committed countless atrocities in his genocidal quest to conquer the universe. True, most of the deaths were Grunts, and there's about a billion of them, but That's Beside The Point. In Absentia, he is under trial by the Grunt people for war crimes, and the likely sentence is death. Emissaries from Earth argue that, well, it was a war, and technically the Grunts were the Bad Guys. The Grunts argue that That's Beside The Point. However, due to the fact that it was because countless billions of people died to the Covenant, and that he was only defending Humanity, and himself, the Covenant shall be destroyed.

The Prophets also argue that his actions led to the infection of millions of their number, and their extinction.

He also killed a Brute because he lost a turkey fight and didn't want to pay up. Chief says that he did not commit this crime, but evidance at the crime-scene show the initials "MC" etched on the Power-Ranger suited Brute's armor.

He then proceeded to fish slap The Prophet of Haters.

[edit] Armor

The Master Chief wears a smelly armor (Yeah... He has worn it for centuries...) known as the Mark VI. The Mark VI is actually named after a lottery game in Hong Kong, the Mark Six, as the armor provides the function of buying Mark Six. But we all know that no one ever wins anything in Hong Kong, Master Chief loses swag every time he buys a Mark Six card.

The armor also houses a virtual reality game called Marathon. He never actually played it, though, because is is always pwning über Noobs and charging his laser.

[edit] 2012

One day MC will travel back in time to 2012 and destroy the earth because his future DVDs wont work on our players.

[edit] Trivia

• If you rub the Master Chief's blood on a dead person they will come back to life but then become a vengeful god that only he can beat.
• Halopedia pays MC protection money.
• Master Chief is a frequent editor on Gruntipedia

• Master Chief invented teabagging. He is ambassador for Earth's ATA (Assosiation for Teabag Assault).
• MC works at eBay.
• Master Chief's brother is actually The Prophet of Truth.
• Master Chief has been proven to be an 'Anti-Noob'. If he teabags a noob, they unwillingly develop Miranda Keyes' size boobs. The Arbiter is immune to this.
• Master Chief's first word was 'fail'.
• Master Chief's school nicknames were 'failer', 'fail', 'The Fail', 'Dorris' and 'MC Fail'. Master Chief is infact immune to failing, except for that time he got stuck in space.
• Master Chief owns every season of "Seinfeld".
• He was once known to bitch slap Miranda Keyes after it was revealed her bra size was one less than she said it was (56E).

• Master Chief once starred in an unpopular sitcom known as Were it so Easy, where he shared an apartment with the Arbiter, a Hunter and a wisecracking Grunt called Des. It was canceled after the pilot episode.

• Master Chief once played Call of Duty 4 and he hated it.

• Master Chief's favorite web page is Gruntipedia.

• Master Chief has his own soundtrack.

• That Master Chief is a descendant from Mars, God of War, as an Anagram of his name reads "March See Fit"

• Master Chief is literally the whitest guy alive.

• That Master Chief has children with Cortana? No, don't ask me how, I don't know how either.

• That Master Chief is the world champion of Guitar Hero.

• Master Chief owns a PS26 (it is 2552), a Wii and an apple computer. no Microsoft stuff to be found. THAT is why they left him floating in space at the end of HALO 3. He shot his old Xbox 72000(2552) after it lagged when he was playing COD4...00 and downloading 1.4 terrabites of porn.

• Master Chief wrote a bible, but was not published due to unforeseen circumstances.

• Madter Chief had his own website on freewebs, but it was deleted due to every sentence being "KILL MARINEZ" or "LOLZ"

• Master Chief is related to Jesus Crist. (he is John Christ)

• Master Chief's mother is Asian.

• Microsoft doesn't own Master Chief. On the contrary, the Master Chief owns Microsoft.

• Master Chief's voice has the power to give women orgasms. The helmet he wears merely keeps that from happening.

• When the Master Chief files his Tax Returns, he sends in the forms with plasma grenades attached. He retains the detonation until tax return day. If he get any less than he sent in, bye bye IRS! He saved every sentient creature in the galaxy (except the ones that got in his way) so tax exemption is the least he deserves.

• What happened to the wildlife from the early build of Halo? They committed suicide because they knew the Chief was coming.

• Spartan armor is actually designed to protect the enemies from the Master Chief.

• When Master Chief's X-Box 360 got the Red Ring of Death. He pointed a gun at it and says: 'You better not... or else; Immediately, his console fixed itself and was good as new.

• It's been scientifically proven that hating Master Chief and the Halo series causes fatal 'accidents'. There has never been a survivor.

• Master Chief's blood was used to make a retail beverage, that beverage is Mountain Dew Game Fuel, however, becuase Master Chief never bleeds, there was a shortage and none was sold or the drinkers would get Master aids.

• Master Chief's grandfather is god.

• When, Freddy Kreuger goes to sleep, Master Chief haunts his dreams.

• Master Chief jacks off to the sound of action.

• Master Chief is also a master chef

• Cortana cooks for Master Chief.

• Master Chief opened an Italian buffet, but he went bankrupt. He had no choice, but to rob banks. He is now being chased by the police. He was last seen t-bagging a unconscious Arbiter.

• MC has been known to take steroids and everyone he sees is a grunt.

• Master Chief raped a dead Miranda Keyes until one of the spikes in her back stabbed his penis and one of his testicles.

• Master Chief is known to eat flood pudding for breakfast.

• When Master Chief is shot, he doesn't scream. He laughs at the attempts to hurt him.
• When Master Chief is shot, he just gets stronger shielding.

• Master Chief lives on Earth under the alias "Arnold Schwartzenegger"

• If Master Chief Ever fought himself, the battle would never end. Master Chief does NOT lose. Ever.

• If Master Chief runs out of ammo for his assault rifle he stares at it. It then has 600 shots and a full magazine.

• Master Chief didn't actually kill 343 Guilty spark with a Splazer. He flipped him the bird and spark exploded.
• Despite his title "MASTER CHIEF" everyone gives him orders all the time, mainly because their jealous of his pure badassness
• The Master Chief once tried to settle into a normal life on a farm, but all his animals and crops died of badass overdose.

[edit] Aftermath

After Chief destroyed the Bark Bark, he didn't know what to do, because there were nothing to kill. He thought of killing all the Xenomorphs, but his smartness made him not do it. After going through his closet, he found his old army men set and played with Arbiter with them. Master chief was the Green Nation, and the Arbiter was the Tan Republic, and Cortana was the Blue French People. After 3 long days straight of killing eachother's Army men, it was very fun, but not fun enough. So Master Chief used his Chiefy Ways to make the Team Fortress 2 Engineers make a zapping ray that would turn you into an Army Man. After it was done Master Chief stepped in and became a green minature verison of himself. Then he went on a Tan Nazi killing spree. After that he got bored of killing Nazis, and wanted to kill AIDS instead. He visited the second Bark Bark called Woof Woof, and has been killing AIDS there until now. ]