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For those born without a sense of humour, Halopedia has an article on Salt Rifle Mk. II.
AV Johnson
This article is too damned short, Marine! You will help Gruntipedia by making it larger so it will fit the screen, fool!
Destitute Rat Abuse
Production information
Manufacturer

Misriah Armory

Model

MA5B

Type

Salt Rifle

Cost

3 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches OR 1 Grilled Cheese with Tomato Soup

Technical specifications
Size

88 centipedes

Damage Per Hit

-6 Hydration/round

Magazine Size

60 salt cubes

Maximum Ammunition

Over 9000 salt cubes

Fire Mode

Automatic

Ammunition Type

Forced Ingestion Rodent, Caseless

Operation

Rat-tat-tat Mechanism

Rate of Fire

Gotta Go Fast

Muzzle Velocity

1 m/sec

Accuracy

Sadness

Range

Effective Range: 2 meters Maximum Range: 6 meters

Usage
Era(s)

2552

Counterweapon(s)

Common Household Items, to include

  • Bleach
  • Septic Fluid
  • Dildo
  • Catbox
  • Bacitracin
Affiliation

UNSC

[Source]


Cquote1I thought the little arrow was supposed to point towards enemies! PFC Wilkins was what it was pointing at. I should be awarded at least 13 medals for shooting him in the face.Cquote2
— Pvt. Kasey during court martial.
Cquote1If I wanted to interact with useless tools, I'd have joined logistics.Cquote2
— LCPL Oswalt, during initial weapons testing.
Cquote1I was under the impression that if something is called "a weapon", its actually supposed to damage things.Cquote2
— SGT Ashton
Assualt Rifles

The physical manifestation of worthless.

The MA5B Assault Rifle is the second major revision in the prestigious line of unspeakably shitty rifles. Originally a method for farmers to seed pot fields across wide areas, the UNSC found a use for this "weapon" as a cheap alternative to real guns. Using the innovative and amusingly inhumane rattatat mechanism, the gun propels salt cubes at the intended target with a muzzle velocity outmatched by slingshots.

Features Edit

This weapon system has been responsible for fewer confirmed kills than chlamydia, despite being mass manufactured for use by the entire UNSC throughout several major conflicts. This is mostly due to the fact that its ammunition is critters and table salt, but a number of other design missteps that remain uncorrected from the original MA5 don't help either.

As a bullpup weapon, its magazine is situated in the rear of the weapon. This allowed the rats - who are in the rear of the magazine - to shit copiously on any soldier who went without firing for even short periods of time. This often caused soldiers in the field to momentarily lose focus during a firefight, and many of them were killed as a result.

Deciding that fire rate and magazine size could compensate for inaccuracy, the sights of the weapon remain totally absent. The weapon instead features an ammunition counter because most UNSC Marines are incapable of counting, nor do they understand that the weapon is empty when it stops going "bang". Even with the counter, most soldiers tend to reload early, or just assume that two 0's means they have unlimited ammo. Underneath the ammo counter, a compass was installed to assist in navigation of the field. This is odd, since knowing which way north is in the heat of combat is rather useless in most cases, and the soldier would have to have their rifle out and waving around in order to orient. There are nearly 65,000 cases of friendly fire caused by soldiers trying to point their weapon in certain directions with the safety off and their fingers on the trigger.

The weapon also features a built in flashlight in the front of the weapon. Despite its large size and varied usefulness, this is considered literally the only intelligent design of the weapon.

Operation Mechanism Edit

This rifle uses the tried and true method of mechanized animal abuse called the Rat-tat-tat. The magazine contains 60 salt cubes and 60 tiny rats. When the trigger is pulled, a salt cube is forcibly inserted into the rat's mouth. Then the rat spits it out, and the process repeats until all salt cubes are gone. This is also the origin of the moniker "A Salt Rifle".

Animal rights organizations petitioned to eradicate this entire line of weaponry due to the flagrant abuse of rodents. The UNSC responded during an Animal Right's public rally by wildly firing MA5Bs into the crowd to disperse them. Despite over 2400 confirmed hits, there was not a single casualty during the attack. No one was killed in the ensuing street fight, though the streets were littered with the corpses of several thousand tiny rats.

History Edit

Frank O'Connor, reknowned pot farmer and dedicated entrepreneur, was guilty of constantly partaking in his own product. As a result, he found himself too chill to do any farming on most days, and needed a new way to distribute seeds to his farm. Using a modified MA5 service rifle, he found that tiny rats - when attempting to ingest choking hazards - would spit an object to a reasonable distance. He immediately put his design to use and used this rifle for 6 years before the UNSC came upon it.

The UNSC, low on funding and desperate for a new way to feed lots of soldiers in a short time, requisitioned the design for this "weapon" by submitting Frank O'Connor to rigorous torture for hours at a time. Once the design was divulged, it was put into service immediately as a way to launch food directly into a soldiers mouth. This was intended to cut down feeding times and provide a convenient way to kill enemies and eat with the same item. Naturally, this led to a weapon that killed more friendly soldiers than enemies. Most marines regarded the weapon itself as edible and dental costs throughout the UNSC skyrocketed. Other soldiers, particularly officers, were intelligent enough to disassemble the weapon to bite-size pieces, only to choke and die when they attempted to eat them. Once word got around that the gun was not actually edible, the soldiers then took to eating the rodents in the magazine, and numerous disease outbreaks was reported.

Later in the rifle's service period ("service" used lightly), Master Chief would briefly attempt to use the rifle, mistaking it for its earlier model, the MA5. After uselessly pelting an Elite with salt, he settled with simply using any MA5B as a throwing or bludgeoning weapon. Its the only recorded time in history the Master Chief legitimately fires the gun at anything. Though the weapon's Rat-tat-tat mechanism was widely celebrated among a rapidly decreasing user base, it was quickly replaced by the MA5C in 2553.


Weapons
UNSC
Melee Weapons: Kitchen Knife | Japanese Butter Knife | Taser Stick

Handguns: Comfortable Pistol | Another Comfortable Pistol | WTF no scope? | M6C/Suck em' | God's Sidearm | Safety Mode On | Trusty Sidearm | Trusty Sidearm 2: Gradius | Assassination Pistol | Carbine Pistol | Silenced Pistol | Orbital Airstrike

Automatic & Semi-Automatic Weapons: Bullet Hose | Silent Bullet Spitter | Insult to Rifles | Revised Insult to Rifles | Chronologically Confusing insult to rifles | The insult to rifles that actually kicks ass | Bee-Arr | Bullet Spammer | Another insult to rifles | Large Bullet Hose

Other: HEADSHOT! | Pest Control Tool | Mini Missile Silo | Rocket Lawn chair | Splazer | Campergun | Noob Obliterator | Crude Thumper rip-off | Supersonic Rail Exploder | Exploding Cake Detonator | Kill The Hydra

Grenades: Damn, no stickies | Bang Grenade | Ear Bleeder | "I embrace y'all with napalm..."

Covenant
Melee Weapons: Energy Shank | Hot Poker | Death Stick | Energy Shiv | Gravy Hammer | Monkey Fist | Monkey Shank

Other: Peashooter | Overheated | Angry Plasma Rifle | Overheater | Noobler | Larger Noobler | Long range Noobler | Nailgun | New Noob Combo | Rock Slinger | L337 5K1LL5 | Follow the pink light | Vacuum Quadlazer | Jelly Launcher | Semtex Blue Spider | Stick-rock | Fire in the Box

Heavy Weapons: Mini Blue Jelly Factory | Death impersonated | Godly Plasma Rifle | Huge Water Gun on Spaceships | Hax Gun | Smaller Hax Gun | Derp Gun | Magic Grenade Thrower

Forerunner
The Quadlazer | Zapper | Tracer Rifle | Yellow Light Spammer | Campergun's Retarded Brother | Triforce Gun | Promethean Glory | Forcefield | Bee Grenade

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