- I got to use a tank once. I blew up the chief...and my entire squadron...and Lord Hood...and I may or may not have been responsible for Jacob Keyes' death.
- — Marine who found a scorpion laying around
- HELL YEAH!
- — A Marine after blowing up his rescue Pelican with Scorpion Tank
- Dogs look up on you, cats look down on you but Scorpions beat the crap out of you!
- — SodaGod on Scorpion Tanks(duh)
The High-Explosive-Armor-Piercing-Ordinance-Firing Super Heavy Intelligent Tank (H.E.A.P.O.F.S.H.I.T) is the most formidable vehicle in the universe. It can run over a Grunt and fly like a Banshee (if the sped up on a decently steep ramp). After the Human-Covenant War, the UNSC let them loose and they could roam free in the Gobi desert ever after and lived happily until the end of the little green and blue ball.
The armor of the Halo: Combat Evolved Scorpion tank is indestructible, and it has good reason to be. The plates are forged by a group of 1200 virgins in a volcano using Master Chief's chest hair as kindling and are cooled in his pure, distilled and liquified wrath. The alloy used is made by smelting Hardasfuckium with skidmarks found in Sgt. Johnsons' boxers whenever he's not going commando.
This particular of version of the Scorpion only produced one model which is found on Assault on the Control Room. When Halo inevitably asploded (because if it weren't supposed to, God wouldn't have created Chief) the prototype careened through space and eventually impacted into the surface of Sanghelios which it eventually conquered by itself.
Later models where cheaply made in China, evidenced by its destructibility and incapability to support the weight of a Spartan on its track guards.
M808: First in line in the new modern models of tanks. Made by the Navy, its primary weapon was a drinking straw that shot small pellets of wet paper. This version of the Scorpion Tank was powered by coal, which was shoveled into the tanks furnace by a little orphan. This model was scrapped, since all orphans were needed for the Spartan III-project.
M808A: This variant was the Army's answer to the laughable M808. The M808A sported superior armor packages and a rubber band propulsion system. While the armor packages in the M808A kept the drivers relatively safe, many died when they were forced to exit the vehicle and wind the large key at the rear of the vehicle to keep it running. The M808A displayed superior fire power on the battlefield, thanks to the Daisy Red Rider Edition Carbine BB Guns duct taped to the front of them. Just one shot from the barrel of a Daisy BB gun could break the skin of a Grunt if pumped more than twenty five times. The only downside to this new weapon of destruction was the tape used to hold the gun systems in place would loose it's stickiness when wet, causing the guns to fall off. The Covenant soon discovered this weakness and exploited it with the invention of what we now know as the Super Soaker 3000.
M808B: This variant is the current model in use and the most powerful drivable vehicle in recorded history. Being the epitome of badassery, its powered by its own awesomeness and its main armament concist of a 90mm cannon capable of firing nerve rounds, armor-piercing rounds, and Jackie Chan+Chuck Norris rounds that can take down even the strongest woman and baby alike. The machine gun on the tank wont do shit to anything since the cannon reloads in 0.9001 seconds and can practically fuck everything up faster than the turret ever will. This version is usually used to blow up any noob son of a b*tch dumb enough to get between the tank, and its destination.
M909D: Chief's modified one, armed with more Spartan Lasers than you can swing a dick at. It's pink.
Each tank contains an artificial intelligence that maximizes its destructiveness. They have been known to destroy allies of their operators, especially when the operators were particularly dumb.
The control pad was identical to a Game Cube controller on earlier models. This was however, changed into a X-Box controller once the drivers committed suicide because of the pure schock of seeing such shitty controller (it looks like fucking Lego!).