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- For a long time - years even - I had to take a massive, potentially life-ending piss. For being scientists, they failed miserably to remember that I couldn't take it off by myself. It wasn't like I was wearing nuclear power-boxers. They fixed that in the Mark VI, but they masterfully avoided adding a removable ass plate. To this day, I have a several dozen foot-long turd in my system.
- — Master Chief on the Mark V and the Mark VI variants
- I never got much of the sex life until they added the zipper to the Mark VI variant. I visited a few bars...tapped a few asses. Just kidding, I destroyed the bars with a rocket launcher, lined every female against the twisted wreckage, and tapped EVERY ass. Especially the dead ones. I just love...the dead ones.
- — The Chief when asked about his sex life
- Cortana, you exist to give me directions, not give me lip. Any more backtalk and you get a backhand.
- — The Chief to Cortana during the interview.
The Master Chief is the the last horseman of the Apocalypse, but he doesn't ride a horse, he drives a warthog. Also known as Death and Green Mean Fighting Machine or simply Dad. He is the guy who saves the Earth, kicks some alien ass, chews bubble gum and sleeps with your mom. He destroyed an entire Covenant army with a cheeseburger and a plastic spoon. He's also the harbinger of doom for all that refuse to acknowledge his badassery. He was on trial for war-crimes against the Covenant people, including multiple counts of genocide, conspiracy against the Great Journey, ass-kicking without a permit, killing 6,340 human enforcement officers who tried to bust him for ass-kicking without a permit, and for stealing bleach when he got thirsty during the Noobs vs ETs.
Given that his face has never been seen, there's been a lot of speculation on who the Chief actually is. Current evidence seems to point to one of six mythical beings: Zeus, The Grim Reaper, Liam Neeson, Bruce Lee, Keanu Reeves or Mr. T. Some believe that he may be some sick yet awesome amalgamation of all six, but scientists agree that this is impossible, as the world would end under the sheer weight of Awesome. Also, that much awesome would weigh a crapload more than a half ton.
Born on Earth and raised by Liam Neeson and Mr. T, John had a very traumatic upbringing in the hood.
He attempted numerous times to run away from home for a variety of reasons including severe beatings, being force-fed cases of beer and motor oil, and cleaning Mr. T's toilet, which is the only reason for suicide that God will gladly forgive. At 3 years old, he took Mr. T and Liam Neeson's shit for the last time, when Chuck Norris gave him the sagely advice of "Just because as a three year old you're the size of a turd, does not mean you must be treated like one." Over the three years he was alive, John had slowly developed his biceps until even Arnold Lord of Bicep began to take notice. The future Chief attacked Mr. T while he was on the toilet, killing him with the soap, thus teaching Mr. T the meaning of irony. Liam Neeson, responding to the commotion, defeated no less than 65 Interpol agents and 15 major human trafficking organizations to reach the bathroom in time. Alas, he was too late. In a rage, Liam Neeson delivered a chilling ultimatum over the phone concerning his daughter before engaging in a final hand to hand battle with Toddler Chief.
The fight lasted for 27 days and John knew he couldn't last much longer. He had exhausted all known tactics, from the
BXR to the Noob Combo, but to no avail. It was then that the Spirit of Chuck Norris's career was born again within John, and he became Walker, Texas Ranger. With his new found power, he was able to lift the Chains of Insurmountable Weight and wear them himself and received a one-hundred fold increase in STR. In addition, he gained the T Mohawk, granting him absolutely fucking nothing but looking like a pitiful fool. He charged his most powerful attack, the Triple-Roundhouse-Fist-Foot-84-hit-helicopter-pistol-shot combo. He had, for a little while, experienced a power the world didn't know existed: a power greater than Liam Neeson. The Chains were destroyed in the ensuing blast, but the Mohawk survived. From the battle with Liam Neeson, he learned the Chilling Ultimatum, and his ability to defeat drug lords and prostitution rings was maxed.
He would live off the land, and sneak himself into a particularly notable kindergarten class years later.
Achievements From Ages 3 to 6 Edit
- Waged battle against the Prophet of Haters. The Covenant suffered several hundreds of billions of casualties. Reported that he fought the final battle naked so that he may more effectively T-bag the Prophet of Haters after victory.
- Flipped an Elephant by dropping the mic hard.
- Started the insurrection.
- Defeated the insurrection.
- Built the first MAC gun out of PVC pipe and refrigerator magnets.
- Nearly fell out with Miranda Keyes after a tickle ambush from her (she tickled him for a whole day).
- Drank a Big Gulp filled with Gruntiness, this further enhanced his Mohawk powers.
- Invented the gruntburger.
- Bashed Prophet of Ig'nance on the head repeatedly. This technique would be used to take down another prophet as Master Chief later in his life.
- Invented Keanu Reeves. Considered by the Chief himself to be his single greatest mistake.
Master Chef's BeginningEdit
At age six, the UNSC were searching the entire galaxy for a child that rewrote the definition of awesome. They arrived at the Kindergarten of Annihilation and met Master Chief, who had already created a primitive battle armor made out of burning, molten lava rock he mined with his bare hands in the seventh layer of Hell. Catherine Halsey, the fake name of Queen Latifa's distant descendant, thought the armor was a possible symptom of psychotic behavior. Captain Keyes gave the bitch what she deserved by showing her what the back of his hand was for. No one was leaving until he was damn well ready, and a bitch was gonna learn. He flipped a coin dramatically, and dropped it by accident. The coin was never recovered. Amidst the limbs and wreckage, the ONLY Horseman of the Apocalypse remained. Gone were the days of John.
The Master Chef would soon arrive.
John was sent to a -Nazi death camp- UNSC training facility where he would be trained to become the Master Chief. The ODSTs stationed there were surprised to find that he outdid them all in every skill clocking in with 10 on every S.P.E.C.I.A.L stat. He became the lead instructor, and began training a squad of the most sicknasty mu'fuckas dat eva owned da skreets. Any child that couldn't meet the brutal regimen was executed by John himself. It wasn't long before John, in his all consuming desire for bitches, injected the mythical steroid Purple Drank directly into his blood stream. For at least 100 days, his ability to hold guns sideways and get the bitches on the street were quadrupled. Seeing what it could do for himself, he unwittingly attempted to do the same to his surviving recruits.
It turned out that most of his students were incredible pussies. Some died during the process, while others lost their dignity and their penises were shrunk to microscopic levels. They were henceforth considered handicapped. John condemned them to cubicle desk jobs for their failure, and forced them to live their lives questioning their job security and building a 401k. Those that accepted the Sugarwater Purple were considered true successors of the double-OG. Bonds were formed. Hoods were taken. The first month of the Master Chief's rule was over.
The survivng command of the old UNSC saw that he was becoming too powerful. He had to be dealt with in a way that did not lend to their own destruction. They sent Jesus to negotiate, but he too was swayed by the call of the booty, and accepted Master Chief as his redeemer and lifelong comrade. As a gesture of good faith, Jesus bestowed the MAC-DADDY CLASSIC, a modified Mac-10 designed to bring supreme beats to the masses during the Chief's many prophesied drive-bys.
When the Crips attacked, the Double OGs realized that their beats were far too inferior, and their sideways gun holding skills too unrefined to hope for victory. With the MACDADDY CLASSIC in one hand and a grape drank in the other, Master Chief preached his sermon straight into the brains of his enemies, and they were saved. Though he slaughtered billions without effort, he came to know that his fame could be his undoing one day, as his wisdom was indeed infinite but his body not yet invulnerable. He could only reach Light Level 30 with the proper armor and ascendant materials. He kicked his way into the Sixth Circle of Hell, and mined the ores needed with his bare hands. He smelted the metal in a volcano and used the Pillar of Autumn as his hammer. In this way, he created the Gundam Mk. V Mobile Suit.
As the uneducated masses of the old Earth government were brought to light by his glory, they bowed in unison and offered only thanks to what was clearly a god existing in their own plane of perception. The Crips, acting like they wasn't no pussy bitch, turnt up and got in a mother fuckers face. For 25 years, as was told in the prophecy, the Master Chef, known as the MC, laid down rhymes and beats in the form of bullets and bitches.
There are no known survivors of his opposition.
Despite billions of casualties and the loss of numerous major ground and space battles, the Crips continued to pursue the Master Chef for his crimes against humanity. The Master Chef skyjacked the Stein der Jahreszeiten, an old Nazi ship. When it arrived at Halo, Master Chef took a page straight out of Terrorism 301 and crashed his flying craft into the tallest tower he could find. He then descended as a fiery angel to the ring-world, slaughtering billions more Grunts and leaving a fiery trail in his wake. Jesus would join him later, and the two teamed up together to take over Halo, creating a monarchy with a loose caste system now known as the skreetocracy. As Daddy MC, his laws were flawless and subjects completely loyal. He instated no military presence, because his presence was more than enough to suffice.
Things were peaceful for three whole days until Anti Chief arrived with a small lowrider fleet to raise a chicken coup. The chicken coup was a colossal failure, given that Anti Chief was already no match for Master Chief, since the antithesis of badass is a pants-pissing pansy. Anti Chief's trump card was releasing an outbreak of AIDS. Master Chief was unfazed, and unflinchingly destroyed AIDS with a concentrated blast of not giving a shit. The future Arbiter tried and failed to stop Master Chief during the final go-kart chase, when Chief fired a banana peel behind him out of Turn 5.
Master Chef knew that either he or Jesus would have to stay behind to detonate the kingdom. Jesus volunteered, not because he didn't think Master Chef would perish, but because he didn't want a scuff on MC's fly ass armor. Look at dem Jay's bruh. Don't need no mu'fuckin dirt and shit on it, shits brand new! Master Chef left on a ship with Cortana, Jesus was presumed killed in the ensuing blast, Anti Chief and his crip heretics were shot into the sun, and the gates to Oblivion were sealed.
John's holy crusade against the Covenant led him back to Earth, where he proceeded to fuck bitches and get money. They fled before his wrath, but not before Jesus turned up, trying to stop John's slaughter of innocent Marines during a Killing Frenzy. John followed the Covenant through space and time to Delta Hula Hoop, executing the Prophet of Regret for being an infidel with a technique he used long ago against the Prophet of Ignorance, called Repeated Face Mashing by Fist. He was thrown into the sea after his punches caused the Prophets head to explode with the force of several nuclear warheads, and had a nice swim before being kidnapped by a Bacterial Infection.
He met with the Arbiter, and were talked at by Bacterial Infection before being teleported elsewhere. Defying all logic, John was sent to Chinatown, while Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich was sent back to Delta Halo to prevent the end of all pornography. Jesus teamed up with Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich to stop Tartar Sauce from eliminating all other sauces from the universe. Master Chief, angered by the lack of attractive women in Chinatown, proceeded to commit genocide on a level never before witnessed by the universe. Since he couldn't save the universe, he decided to assassinate Mao Zedong instead. Mao escaped using The Unholy Enchanted Robo-Michael Jackson of Destiny, which Master Chief wasted no time jumping on, leaving Cortana behind to die for refusing his advances.
The Ark Edit
The ship's crew, after playing a prolonged and bloody game of hide-and-die, eventually kicked John off, and he descended to Earth leaving a fiery wake, crashing in some jungles. Johnson rescued him, but then the Arbiter turned up. They relieved their aggressions on each other, engaging in a titanic dual, then agreed to kill the Covenant first. They fought many Covenant forces and even some AIDS before arriving at the Hula Hoop Maker, leaving a bloody trail of corpses behind them. Instead of doing the sensible thing, and trap the Flood until they could destroy it for good, they blew up a new Hula Hoop, killed some allied dudes, and fled like the little coward beavers they were. Also, they are spaz's. Blame Justin Bieber for it, he is a motherfucking terrorist.
After Chief destroyed the Bark Bark, he didn't know what to do, because there were nothing to kill. He thought of killing all the Xenomorphs, but his smartness made him not do it. After going through his closet, he found his old army men set and played with Arbiter with them. Master Chief was the Green Nation, and the Arbiter was the Tan Republic, and Cortana was the Blue French People. After 3 long days straight of killing each other's Army men, it was very fun, but not fun enough. So Master Chief used his Chiefy Ways to make the Team Fortress 2 Engineers make a zapping ray that would turn you into an Army Man. After it was done Master Chief stepped in and became a green miniature version of himself. Then he went on a Tan Nazi killing spree. After that he got bored of killing Nazis, and wanted to kill AIDS instead.
Interaction with the Prophet of HatersEdit
He continued into one of the Prophet's rooms. There he saw the back of a gravity throne. It slowly turned and he saw the Prophet of Haters sitting in it, Haters said, "so John, let this be our ultimate battle." Master Chief pulled out his Energy Sword as the Prophet of Haters shot a brute in the head and stole his Gravity Hammer.
They battled for five minutes. Even though he was clearly superior, Master Chief was surprised at the amount of SWAG emanating from the Prophet's body; this was turning out to be a tough battle. Then, right as Master Chief was about to finish the battle, a storm of AIDS came in. The Chief decided he had better things to do... like killing the entire covenant... and ditched Haters to deal with the aids.
That was the last time they ever saw each other but the Prophet of Haters is still looking for a rematch...
War Crimes Edit
The Master Chief has slaughtered billions upon billions of Covenant, 142638590382910283028 percent of them Grunts, and committed countless atrocities in his genocidal quest to conquer the universe. True, most of the deaths were Grunts, and there's about a billion of them, but That's Beside The Point. In Absentia, he is under trial by the Grunt people for war crimes, and the likely sentence is death. Emissaries from Earth argue that, well, it was a war, and technically the Grunts were the Bad Guys. The Grunts argue that That's Beside The Point. However, due to the fact that it was because countless billions of people died to the Covenant, and that he was only defending Humanity, and himself, the Covenant shall be destroyed.
The Prophets also argue that his actions led to the infection of millions of their number, and their extinction.
He also killed a Brute because he lost a turkey fight and didn't want to pay up. Chief says that he did not commit this crime, but evidence at the crime-scene show the initials "MC" etched on the Power-Ranger suited Brute's armor. The brute was buried in Albania.
He then proceeded to fish slap The Prophet of Haters.
The Master Chief then had floated on a ship after the destruction of the Ark and the final hula hoop. he went into a crying-bed where he wept himself for being stuck with Cortan for four years. Cortana started to become red instead of blue, and she started annoying him in his sleep by recalling the beginning of AIDS. While floating inside the ship, Cortana was somehow able to rape his body inside his suit, and she gave birth to little green holograms. which then went Rampant (or crazy) and died because of Cortana's redness. They Didn't actually die, but they never made it through the fifth stage. Cortana continued to annoy/rape him as he sweated those long annoying decades through.
During a Hillside Memorial, The numbers 117 was scratched into a rock because a marine just got out of preschool. It is unknown if this Means that humanity thinks Liam Neeson is dead. However, In later times, there was an Ultimate Showdown in which he descended from the Heavens to Kill Batman. It is unknown what really happened to him. He is probably still strapped in a chair by
Alma Cortana, who may be pregnant. Don't ask me how, it just happens.
Over four and a half years later, Cortana's incredible capacity for stupid bullshit caused a malfunction in Master Chief's Cry Pod, waking him up instantly. She came up with the excuse that the ship was being attacked to avoid a spectacular bitch slap, though it turned out to be completely true by chance. The Covenant, despite taking incredible losses from the Master Chief, decided attacking him with a few destroyers would succeed where fleets of 500 had failed. The assault was a massacre. The entire boarding force was evaporated by the Chief's middle finger. Master Chief proceeded to kick a missile directly into one of the destroyers Adam Vinatieri style, and unlike the NFL, no one was left alive to record that the kick was good.
After detonating a ship with angry thoughts alone, all the ships, Chief's included, were sucked into the gaping anus of a nearby metal planet. Therein, the entire first conflict of the story was widely disregarded and lent absolutely nothing to the plot.
Upon the planet, Cortana's time of the month was rapidly approaching, and the Chief would be damned if he was going to deal with that shit. His only directive, for the first time ever, did not revolve around wanton destruction. The objective now was to survive the coming flood of holographic estrogen. It was fortunate that involved wanton destruction, because the only thing worse than a sexually deprived WMD is a BORED sexually deprived WMD. His reign of destruction across the planet would be momentarily interrupted by enemies nearly identical in function to the Covenant and half as threatening. Chief eliminated the numerous tiny metal chihuahuas and lvl. 16 skeletons that came his way, as He wills with all enemies.
It was here that he was rediscovered by his least favorite people: people he wasn't supposed to kill. The UNSC stumbled upon the Chief while he fornicated with the energy-intestines of a skeleton king, and much thanks was given. Marines dropped to their knees in prayer, Spartan IV's declared themselves unworthy, and only a single Spartan would remain. She was just as sexually repressed as the Chief, and their hormonal auras clashed with extreme ferocity.
Upon the Infinity, a ship: the phallic compensation of which had never been seen before, the Master Chief developed his plan from stopping the metal chihuahuas from overrunning an already empty planet. This had to be done in order to prepare for Cortana's coming apocalyptic period.
Naturally, it was not to be.
The Dickdact, the most repressed creature in the universe, stood between the Chief and another month without Cortana's whiny bitching. Unfortunately, he proved to be too much for the Chief. Without the Chains of Insurmountable Weight, the Chief simply could not match the massive why-boner that the Dickdact had been saving for this very occasion. Despite being a transcendent being with telekinetic mastery, the dickdact would be defeated. Master Chief bent common sense and cohesive plot to his will and punched a grenade so far down the Dickdact's throat that his testicles would be considered volatile. Deciding that hand grenades alone were not enough, and realizing he would not be able to stop Cortana's Period from destroying the Earth, he chose to take her down in a nuclear fireball.
Though the Chief was at the epicenter of the nuke, Chief invented weapons of mass destruction, and emerged unscathed but dazed. During his hallucinations, he witnessed a human sized Cortana and the largest boner to ever exist exploded within his pants. Despite all his power, he could not pry the armor off for a wank. The hallucination, along with Master Chief's hope for an orgasm capable of destroying the solar system, faded into nothingness. The world would never know how close it came to being ended that day.
Aboard the USS Compensation, Master Chief finally had the armor removed for the first time since the beginning of the Covenant Slaughter. It is widely regarded as one of the most dangerous moments in recorded AND unrecorded history, as the sheer power and boner rage that was released incinerated several hundred scientists and Spartans. This was followed by a wank that, when released, traveled several trillion lightyears and destroyed several supermassive black holes. A galaxy far away was lost that day to history.
Even now, hundreds of thousands of years later, no one knows why the stories are still called Halo at this point.
There have been many misconceptions about John's rank. Many say he's a Master Chief Petty Officer, shortened to Master Chief. However, a growing conspiracy states that he is the rank of Master Queef Petty Officer. Shortened to Master Queef.
Master Chief factsEdit
- Master Chief once built a snowman so large the sheer weight compacted itself into a gargantuan mound of snow and stone. It is known that the recorded time for this construction was only 6 minutes and 53 seconds. Dispute over the validity of such a record was quickly ended when a wayward glance from the Chief glassed half a continent. The snow mound was renamed Mt. Everest.
- It is well known that the universe is expanding. It is believed and widely accredited that the Master Chief's end-war shit after his armor removal displaced so much dark matter that the edges of the universe, like ripples on the water, were pushed outwards in a continuous motion. In this way, the Master Chief has likely cut the age of the universe in approximately half.
- Master Chief is a well known game designer, having invented the concept of violence and introducing it to nerd culture. The fact that every game features the Master Chief has never been a point of dispute, and he is the only game developer in history to never acquire a score less than 10/10.
- Master Chief invented the Big Mac and the Whopper. A junior version of each burger was created in order to be feed the average man. Despite the enormous reduction in power, the junior burgers have an estimated fatality rate of 29 percent. The act of eating a junior whopper or Small Mac is now considered an extreme sport.
- There is only one branch of the military: Master Chief. He employs additional personnel because he is an avid entrepreneur and devoted to improving the economy, though they are never needed for help.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created as a fence to keep Master Chief's alien pets contained. The constant failure to contain them is not attributed to Master Chief's gross negligence, because he obviously is not capable of failure, and the blame is instead placed on poor construction and shoddy planning.
- Master Chief invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Master Chief can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his nipples.
- Master Chief once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Master Chief re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA was promptly dissolved for its lack of devotion to the Chief Almighty.
- Master Chief got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds, along with his pilot's license, tank qualifications, weapons proficiencies, and all forms of martial arts certifications.
- Master Chief destroyed the periodic table, because there are only two elements: The Master Chief, and non-Master Chief Entities. The latter is considered non-vital to the survival of the universe.
The Master Chief wears a knockoff brand of Thor's Hammer known as the Mjolnir Mark VI. The Mark VI is actually named after a lottery game in Hong Kong, the Mark Six, because its always a losing gamble when fighting Master Chief. Since no one can pronounce its actual name correctly, Master Chief commanded it simply be referred to as "Mark Six".
Differences in the Mark Six armor over other variants are many, and the Master Chief has noted many cons as well as many pros so that he knows how many scientists to eliminate as an example.
PROS: Music Systems (mp3), video streaming, 4G LTE mobile services from the nation's largest network provider, in-helmet air freshener (Desperately needed).
CONS: The ability to block bullets (unneeded), the inability to properly defecate, a HUD that fails to provide information beyond the direction of the enemy and how many bullets are left (one would think 26th century sensors and sentient AI would display something more meaningful), anatomically improbable and movement-restrictive design, no default jetpack, not enough weapon holsters, not enough grenade holsters, and uncomfortable boots.
The Chief released a public statement last Thursday that he hopes the most recent and unfortunate string of deaths at the armor development facility will motivate the employees to honor fallen friends with better quality goods. The Chief did not need to comment further.
The Master Chief only knows death and destruction as methods of entertainment. While his leadership has contributed to the continued success of thousands of entertainment companies (a significant number of which were strategic rebrandings), he does not participate in the common man's fun because why would anyone do that if they could burn a whole through the moon with a stern glare.
The Way The World EndsEdit
At one point in time, Cortana was shouting "The world ends" she was shouting this around the Release date of 2012 The movie, which was and still is a load of Bullshit. with her screaming in the "Forward to the Swan" She drove Master Chief up the wall. Until he started Screaming a selection of three things. "Cortana Shut up", "I blame Harvey Stephens!" or "Damn it Harvey, don't twist your head like that and grin, HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
- Master Chief and his right hand man were the inventors of "How many [insert race here] does it take to screw in a lightbulb" jokes. They also created knock knock jokes and are the founders of cheesy one-liners.
- Master Chief has partied with Kika D'ass before he left.
- Master Chief once starred in an unpopular sitcom known as Were it so Easy, where he shared an apartment with the Arbiter, a Hunter and a wisecracking Grunt called Des. It was canceled after the pilot episode because he killed Des and the hunter.
- Master Chief's favorite web page is Gruntipedia.
- Master Chief's least favorite web page is Halopedia, because they are all lying imbeciles.
- He is the reason the word "badass" exists.
- Spartan armor is actually designed to protect the enemies of the UNSC from Master Chief.
- It's been scientifically proven that hating Master Chief and the Halo series causes mysterious disappearances. There has never been a lead on their location, and the culprit has never been found.
- Master Chief got his name from his habits of cooking his alien enemies and with Dr. Halsey's poor spelling skills (Master Chef).
- He made a movie called Halo on Ice and its sequel which was loved by both the public and pie for its realistic depiction of war.
- Albert Einstein found a way to determine the energy of a star by squaring MC's power using only energy and explained how with the formula.