First grunt that I haven't wanted to send to hell.

-Master chief on Schwagg

this stuff is good!

- high marine

This is the most dankest shit EVER!!

Assbiter when smoking some BlueSky0G

Schwagg is a Grunt with an unusually high level of gruntiness, who started from less than nothing to become the greatest dank-lord in the omniverse.

Early life:

Schwagg was not always the dank-lord kingpin people see him as now, and actually began with very, VERY humble origins. Schwagg was born when a dog beat his father to his mother (yes he has two fathers, one of which he ate during his youth) thus Schwagg had a very hard time explaining to people who his father was. His mother was one of few covenant bitches that Master chief let live, why the chief spared her, no one knows, some say he let her go because he felt bad that she got fucked by a dog, others say she traded 420 tons of dank kush for her and her unborn sons life. After being born, his mother and fathers saw that he was to do incredible things in the future, and thus gave him the knowledge to grow a special kind of dank kush, and was abandoned on the street to find his own way. Schwagg was moderately successful at trading and selling drugs, however, he was still too inexperienced in growing dank kush, and accidentally messed up the process to making the special dank kush he had learned from his fathers and mother. This led to the deaths of over 1,337,420,069.9 people (truth came back as a ghost) and was banished from the covenant. His mother died of THC overdose, and his other father (the one who wasn't a dog) wanted nothing to do with him. Angered by the loss of his mother and father, Schwagg went to find his last remaining father, who had become a well established legit business man who tried to refrain from snorting covie cocain out of hookers assholes. Schwagg found his father and blamed him (like most adolescents) for all of his troubles. His Father tried to reason with him, but Schwagg would have none of it, and decided to eat his final father. As his father was being swallowed alive, he told schwagg, of a certain, "prototype" kush that was unparalleled in quality, and how to grow it. Schwagg finished his meal, and only then realized the horrible mistake he made. All attempts to regurgitate his father failed, and Schwagg was left to simply cry as he felt his father being slowly digested alive.

Tangle with Hate: 

After digesting his father, Schwagg became angrier than anything, The prophet of hate, felt this, and was terrified by the sheer amount of hate this grunt was capable of, and decided to have him killed. As He formulated his plan to have the grunt killed, Schwagg decided he needed to chill the fuck out and smoke as much weed as possible. Remembering his fathers recipe, he got to growing, and within minutes, made the dankest plant ever known. Being in the mere pressence of the plant seemed to get the person high. Schwagg lit the whole plant on fire just as the prophet of hate arrived, along with a compliment of souper carriers, as he feared how hateful Schwagg was. The scent of the burning plant was so powerful it held everyone enraptured by the sheer power of the herb, and for the first time in the prophets life, he began to not hate everything so much, and forgot to give the order to blow Schwagg to kingdom come. Schwagg was able to resist his plants potency and realized the prophet had come to kill him. Knowing he could not hope to defeat the prophet and his armada, Schwagg fled in a nearby souper carrier whose crew was too high to notice their ship was being stolen. The prophet of hate snapped out of his high when he heard Schwagg screaming "See ya, you chin balled motherfucker" as he made his escape. Enraged by his lapse of hate, and the grunts insults, the prophet commanded his ships to pursue, but they could not simply shake off their high, and remained in their spots. The prophet of hate declared that he would have his revenge one day, when the grunt would least expect it.

Rise to fame and power:

Schwagg knew that his weed was wearing off when crewmen of the souper carrier began to wonder why a grunt was piloting the ship. Thinking on his feet, Schwagg convinced the now fully awake and aware crewmen that the prophet of hate hated them (spoiler) and sent them out to the ass end of the galaxy, so he could bang all of their mothers, and if they wanted to get back at him, they had to be his drug mules. Because of how much gruntiness Schwagg had, it was not hard to convince the crew of this. And so they renamed the ship after Schwaggs very own brand of weed, "BlueSky0G." Schwagg then proceeded to settle on a nearby planet, and turned it into an immence world, covered in blue tinted weed. This weed became so popular among both covenant and human forces, that the Master chief himself had to see what all of the fuss was about, and went to go see Schwagg in person. Schwagg presented the kush to the chief, who was so impressed by it, decided to give schwagg 1% of his own power, a gesture of utmost respect and kindness. This gesture also made Schwagg one of the most powerful beings in the universe, effectively ending (for the moment) the prophet of hates plan to have him killed.


Schwagg was living the high life, literally, he got stoned on an hourly basis, and owned one of the most powerful empires in the universe, and with master chief to stop any trouble that might arise, Schwagg became unstoppable. However, schwaggs weed would have some consequences that no one would have seen coming. AIDS, far on the other side of the galaxy, heard of this dank, super-kush, and decided to try some for themselves, this led to them storming the now renamed, "so" high charity. There were few survivors in the floods vicious onslaught of high charity, searching for the aforementioned super-kush. Unsatisfied, they decided to take the galaxy by storm in the attempt to find weed. It was then that Schwagg decided that something had to be done, with as much weed as he could (his weed super planet) he brokered a deal with the gravemind. The gravemind could stay on high charity, and live up to its name, with as much weed as they could smoke, in exchange for not fucking up the galaxy. The gravemind agreed, and did not fuck up the galaxy, but poor schwagg lost all of his weed, and had no idea how to get his business back up and running.

The revival:

In a desperate attempt to call for help, Schwagg asked the internet community where he could grow planet sized quantities of weed. It was there, that he found out about a wack ass portal on earth that would lead to a octopus Hula hoop factory, with plenty of land for growing. Schwagg traveled to earth only to be stopped by the chief, who said he wouldn't allow a big ass hole to be dug on his planet. He was about to obliterate Schwagg, when schwagg convinced him that if he wanted any more weed, he would have to get digging. Reluctantly, chief got out his coolest shovel, and started digging. Sure enough, the chief uncovered a weird foreskin portal. Unfortunately, the portal required a key ship to open, but the chief thought that was bullshit, and decided to power it up himself, by attaching a battery, two wires, and a book of: electrictricty for dummies to his cock. Interestingly enough, the portal powered up and though it was the octopus hula hoop factory, wasting no time, Schwagg, jumped through the portal and settled the immense construct, it was at least twice the size of the planet he had given to the gravemind, and had only the best growing conditions. Schwagg began producing overtime, to make up for the time he had lost, and once again, The Schwagger empire, was back up and running. But not everything was what it would seem, as hungry eyes gazed at the newly revived empire.

The Ark

Schwagg once again was at the top of the drug slinging food chain, with now more than twice the production capabilities, Schwagg's business swelled to colossal sizes. Many people from all walks of life came to admire the massive weed world, namely the covenant and human forces. This caused no end of grief to Schwagg as they began fighting over the weed, despite there being enough for everyone. This ended up with Schwagg's favorite and profitable customers, Miranda Keyes, Sergeant Johnson, and the prophet of truth, holding each other at gun-point. The prophet of haters had not forgotten the time that Schwagg escaped him, and his promise of revenge. Sensing that the time was right, Haters jumped in and ordered truth to, "SHOOT DAT WHORE!" Truth obliged and shot the fuck up out of Miranda. Johnson was deeply wounded by this, and shot himself in the penis. He bled to death in Schwagg's arms, saying his only regret was that he didn't get to fuck Miranda before she died. Schwagg was infuriated by the loss of his customers and in a blind fury, attacked both the Prophets of truth and haters. Truth was unable to react fast enough to the grunts superior speed and fighting skills, and was promptly defeated. Haters however, was able to fight back against the pissed grunt, having been taught in the art of fighting all his life. For a solid 69 hours, the two battled, neither could gain the upper hand, until the arbiturd arrived to stab truth (truth owed the arbiter an enormous sum of money) seeing that Schwagg was in trouble, the arbiter joined in the fray. Haters knew he could not hope to defeat the both of them, and fled from the fight, leaving Schwagg victorious. Schwagg was not done with Haters however and ordered Kwarsh and Yipyap to lead a squad of elite assassins to kill the prophet.

Dealing with AIDS... again

If things couldnt get any worse for Schwagg, AIDS had to show up and rape some shit. The gravemind was pissed that he only got one planet full of weed, and figured that he had the power to take over the ark, and smoke even MORE dank kush. The gravemind loaded up his minons and off to the ark they went, in their giant mushroom of doom. The gravemind however, upon arriving, was highly intoxicated and accidentally crashed into the ark. Schwagg was once again pissed that shit was getting fucked up, and asked the Master Chief to go and kill the gravemind once and for all. The Master chief agreed, as he had also forgotten his bitch, wallet, and car back on high charity. The attack was brutal, as the AIDS was unable to fight back against the unstoppable might of the chief. Chief retrieved his shit and nuked the living fuck out of high charity, effectively ending the AIDS outbreak. For once, Schwagg was able to enjoy a little peace and quiet, and continue doing what he does best, selling dank weed.

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