Grunt

From Gruntipedia

This article is too damned short, Marine! You will help Gruntipedia by making it larger so it will fit the screen, fool!

For those born without a sense of humour, Halopedia has an article on Grunt.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

— Grunt upon seeing the Master Chief

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

— Grunt upon seeing a Brute

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

— Grunt upon seeing the same Brute a few minutes later

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

— Grunt upon everything, really

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...

— Grunt upon seeing a Food Nipple

Grunts, also known as pigs, chimpanzees, gas sucker or fart-breather, are the cannon fodder of the covenant. They are known to huff lighter fluid in their spare time as well as attending the Nipple Academy before becoming Gods for the Covenant.

Grunt's skulls have a odd tendency to explode when shot. At first, the head would explode with the force of a grenade, killing nearby friendly troops. The Covenant made a chemical put into the Grunt's nipples that stop them exploding so fiercely. The downside of this chemical is that it turns the Grunt's brain different colours so it resembles confetti. The Grunt also gets an uncontrollable urge to shout "Yay!" in a childlike voice before dying.

[edit] History

Despite seeming to be the weakest creatures in the Covenant (sentient or not), Grunts are actually the real masterminds behind the Covenant's religious crusade against everything and anything that doesn't agree with it. Controlling even the Prophets from behind the scenes, Grunts only act cowardly and weak to throw off suspicion to their Prophet scapegoats.

It was, in fact, the Grunts who created the Halo's, gave the Covenant the advanced technologies, created the wheel, gave Moses the Ten Commandments, and were there when a god-like creature created the Universe. They promptly ate him, agreeing that he/she/it tasted mildly of strawberry. They then moved in, and have spent the last 12 billion years trashing the place.

Grunts have an average IQ of 3,000,000, easily enough to see that handing them a gun and sending them against so many heathens is a stupid way to wage war. So they dont. They sit down and enter a meditative state, meant to destroy their enemies morale. Unfortunately, stupid members of the Covenant and most humans mistake this for laziness. Nothing could be further from the truth...

Even when they appear to run away from their attackers, they are really luring them into an ambush, for dying doesn't really kill the marvelous Grunts, their spirit will be reborn in Great Mama's nipples and threw of in a body of a new grunt with ancient knowledge so they can complete their life cicle again.

NOTE: It should be stated that a Grunt wrote this article, to enlighten stupid Earthers about the greatness of his people. You shall bow to the great Darth Yayap.

[edit] Physiology and history

Grunts are born short. They live short, they shoot short, the just are...short. While the game manual seems to say they are five feet tall, most of the time, humans seem at least two feet taller. This size, coupled along with their obvious mental deficiencies efficiencies, begs the question "why are they even in the Covenant military?" This is because of three things. They have numbers, and screw like crazy. In addition, after nearly turning their world into a pretty ball of shiny glass, the Elites felt bad for them, and offered them a place into their military force. In actuality, the Elites found them to be humorous, the same way a bully finds a victim humorous, and has him do things that no one else would do, all the while claiming that they were "friends", when in reality, the bullies were laughing at the gullible pawns. Little did they know that the Prophets were doing the same thing to them. And the Grunts were doing the same thing to the prophets. Kinda ironic. Lastly, Grunts can fully heal from a gunshot wound in about a minute

In an obvious attempt to control the population, and perhaps out of jealousy, Brutes have been known to castrate Grunts.

The strange thing about Grunts is that while they appear to be strong, they rarely ever use this strength. You can see a Grunt carrying around a Fuel Rod Cannon in one arm without any effort, but they never hit anyone. They hide that strength away from everyone, if anyone knew, their plans for galaxy domination would be discovered and a lifetime of planment would go down the flush. Also, if they hit someone, the "Legendary" description would not be suited, it had to be "more-than-suicidal". They try to put the game a little balanced by playing the role of "weaklings".

In case of prolonged missions in space they eat lots of beans, thereby providing them with sufficient farts air.

[edit] Heroes

Grunts have had many heroes, from the grunt that encited the Grunt Rebellion to that one Grunt that killed thirty S-IIIs with one fuel rod cannon shot. But then, Grunts consider anybody who doesn't run away from a spider or dares to swear a hero. Unfortunatly for Grunt culture, Grunts do not feel like remembering surnames, so all known Grunt heroes are as follows:

• Yayap - (also remembered as Darth Yapap in the Grunt culture) Helped Master Chief destroy the first Halo by betraying his "commanding" Elite and giving Cortana access to The Pillar of Autumn's computer systems.
• Bapap - Yapap's cousin, who made first democratic contact with the arrogant humans and ate their entire farming world in one meal.
• Kwassass - Activated Grunt-made thermonuclear device and destroyed the entire betraying elite fleet.
• Random Grunt - Provides quotes for nearly EVERYTHING!