- Flight Controller: Sorry for the tight squeeze. Tell the Commander I'll be in her room shortly.
- Johnson: Hah! Hope you people were paying attention, 'cause I'm not repeating it.
- Arbiter: Oh, the innuendo.
- Marine 1: Hey, check it out!
- Marine 2: No way! It's Chuck Norris!
- Blind Marine: For real? You better not be...
- Marine 2: No man. He's here! We're gonna be alright, as long he doesn't steal our girlfriends and eat our children.
- Commander Keyes: Where'd you find him?
Master Chief smacks Johnson on the back of his head.
- Johnson: What the hell!
- Master Chief: I was eating chicken, jackass. Only noobs eat turkey.
- Commander Keyes: (Between mouthfulls of turkey) Indeed. It's damn good to see you again John.
- Commander Shepard: Love? Who said anything about Love, I'm just trying to get you into...wait a minute, you're not...this isn't...
Master Chief pulls out a Geth Plasma Shotgun and blasts Shepard back to Mass Effect 2, then throws the weapon down in disgust and spits on it.
- Master Chief: Dumbass. AHEM, you too Miranda!
- Johnson: Bom chicka wow wow!
- Glen Quagmire: All riiight!
- Commander Keyes: "The Testicle Chin's ships breached the Lunar Perimeter. Smashed what was left of the Home Fleet."
- Marine 2: (In background) What Fleet? All we had were those crappy Frigates.
As the Arbiter walks by, the Marines lower their hands (to protect something important) and stare in astonishment.
- Arbiter: Take a picture, it will last longer.
- Commander Keyes: Terrestrial casualties from the subsequent bombardment were...
Medics race pass by with an injured Marine on a stretcher.
- Commander Keyes: ...extreme. Truth could've landed anywhere, but he has commited all his forces to East Africa, The ruins of New Mombasa.
- Johnson: Must be the free parking here.
- Master Chief: What about Halo 2?
- Commander Keyes: Huge sales and profits, but a backlash due to the anti-climatic ending. Now, everyone is buying Halo 3, despite claiming to hate Bungie. And it gets worse, Bungie announced Halo 2 is being shut down on LIVE on the 15th of April 2010. If we don't stop the rumours circulating the Bungie.net forums...Bungie, Microsoft, every sentient being in the galaxy...
- Master Chief: The Noobs will kill us all.
- Technician: Ma'am, I have Lord Hood.
- Commander Keyes: Patch him through.
- Lord Hood: Good news, Commander Keyes?
- Commander Keyes: Well, the Covenant are on Earth and have bombed half of the planet, destroyed most of our fleet, set up inpenetrable AA guns and are infiltrating this base as we speak. As good as it gets, sir.
- Lord Hood: So I see. What's your status, Master Chief Petty Officer John 117?
- Master Chief: Well, apart from the fact that I saved Earth from the Covenant twice before, and I thought I deserved some R&R, then i wake up and you idiots are getting your asses kicked without me...Green, sir.
- Lord Hood: Glad to hear it. The Commander's come up with a good plan, which is unusual because her plans usually involve letting the Flood take over an entire ship, getting captured by aliens, activating the Halos, then de-activating them and claiming all the glory.
- Commander Keyes:*Sniffs*You make me sad.
- Lord Hood: Tell them your plan, because the player is getting bored! And his thumb is hovering over the skip button, and and you KNOW what Bungie will with us when we are useless!
- Commander Keyes: *Shudders at thought of what Lord Hood is saying* Truth's ships are clustered above the excavation site. And his infantry has deployed Anti-Aircraft Batteries around the perimeter. But, if we neutralize one of the batteries, punch a hole in Truth's defenses...
- Lord Hood: I'll initiate a low-level strike. Hit 'em right where it hurts - in the balls. I only have a handful of ships, Master Chief. It's a big risk. But I'm confident-
The power cuts completely.
- Technician: *Screams like a little girl*
- Stan: OH MY GOD!
- Commander Keyes: Emergency generators! Now!
- Marine Technician: They were the emergency generators! The main generators ran out from running all the Xbox 360 LAN parties!
- Commander Keyes: As soon as they're up, reestablish contact with Lord Hood. We have to find out what he's confident about.
- Prophet of Truth: You are, all of you, vermin!
- Glenn Quagmire: Giggity...
- Marine: Even me?
- Truth: Especially you! Anyway, you're all cowering in the dirt thinking that you can escape my death ray of doom, and wondering if you left the oven on. No! Your world will burn until its surface is but glass! Oh, and yes! Your ovens are on, and the gas prices have skyrocketed! And your Stockmarket will crash, just like your crappy ships.
- Marine 2: (In Background) See! What did I tell you!
- Truth: And not even your demon will be able to afford to pay his bills, hear that demon? No more oven roasted turkey for your green ass!
- Johnson: Heh heh heh.
- Master Chief: Fuck You.
- Marine: What about the bits that were already glass?
- Prophet of Truth: They will used for glass blowing to make bottles and stuff! Now, I'm late for a meeting with Yapyap and his Grunty minions.
The power returns.
- Johnson: Cocky bastard. Just loves to run his mouth.
- Master Chief: *Nervous* Does he usually mention my oven's gas bill?
Commander Keyes thinks, and realizes Truth's meaning.
- Commander Keyes: Give the order. We're closing shop.
- Marine Technician: Ma'am?
- Commander Keyes: We're about to get raped.
- Marine Technician: All personnel. Defense code Alpha.
- Commander Keyes: The wounded...we're getting them all out.
- Johnson: If I have to carry 'em myself...which I probably will, seeing as all the other marines can't do shit.
- Marine Technician: Ma'am, squad leaders are requesting a rally point. Where should they go?
- Commander Keyes: To war.
- Marine Technician: Um...ok...cool one-liner and everything, but seriously, where?
- Commander Keyes: I don't know?
You don't have any weapons. Go find some.
- Gunnery Sergeant Pete Stacker: Get those turrets up! Watch your fields of fire!
- Marine 1: Wonder how the kittens found us...
- Marine 2: When was the last time you took a shower?
- Marine 1: Suck me.
- Stacker: Please shut the fuck up.
- Marine 1: Bite me.
- Sergeant Stacker: *Smacks Marine, and turns to Chief* Point of entry, best assessment?
- Marine: The Hangar, Sergeant.
- Stacker: Could use ya on the gun Chief! Wait a minute...*Reads Lines* Fuck it, Master Chief, get there!
As you leave the cave.
- Australian Marine: We're with you, Chief!
- Commander Keyes: Chief? Good, this channel is secure. My fireteams are spread thin, we don't have many soldiers, they all died in Halo 2. We can't hold out forever.
Chief and the auzzie finds their way to the secret underground highway and witness three marines in a warthog get blown up by pure gruntiness. They then proceed to make their way down the highway.
RvB Easter Egg
Easy & Normal
- Marine 1: Open the door.
- Marine 2: No.
- Marine 1: Open the fucking door!
- Marine 2: Fuck no.
- Marine 1: Open the fucking door, asshole!!!!!
- Marine 2: Ok calm down.
Once you kill a whole bunch of stuff and go to the hangar
- Marine 3: Pelicans can't launch until everything is dead.
- Marine 4: Everything thats an alien, dumbass.
Once you killed everything
- Sgt. Johnson: The kittens are raping our troops. Come back to the movie theater.
- Marine 4: Hey, you hear that?
- Marine 5: Yea, I'm gonna leave now.
Once you reach the cave.
- Marine 6: Chief, movie theater is this way. Oh, and the movie is 'Pimps at Sea'...its a good one!
Space wasps bust out of the vents and start raping the marines
- Marine 7: What the hell are these things Sergeant?
- Stacker: Your mom!
- Marine 7: They look like Faries...Hahahaha
- Stackers: What are you, fucking qweer?
Once in ops center. Bomb Technicians and playing lego and Johnson is having a good time with a Cigar.
- Bomb Technician: If I try to hook up a timer, it may become sentient and start a nuclear war; then put us all in a virtual reality controlled by "Agents." Or it might go off by itself.
- Commander Keyes: Understood. Johnson, you may want to stop smoking around hugeass explosives.
- Johnson: *Ignoring the world, enjoying his Cigar* Uh huh...
- Commander Keyes: Chief, have a look. I've decided to blow up our base this time, rather than give it to the Testicle Chins Shitty army. Johnson, as soon as the evacuation is complete, push some buttons and do some crap to make it explode. Chief, see you on the last Pelican out.
- Johnson: Understood. Chief, the Brutes have taken the barracks, marines are trapped inside. Those apes ain't much for mercy, we both know what they do to prisoners.
- Chief: Yeah, Jenkins couldn't sit down for a week after the Brute's finished with him.
- Johnson: Get to the barracks, save those men. Then escort them to the landing pad for evac.
Johnson stays behind while the Chief makes his way toward the barracks.
- Brute Chieftain: Blah blah kill demon blah blah RAWR!
- Cortana (Cortana Moment): You have been called upon to serve.
- Arbiter: The testicle chins abuse you like they abused me! You think it's fun, but then you get weird rashes in unimaginable places!
- Arbiter: Spartan, the Brutes have taken your soldiers. As prisoners or food I do not know. But with your aim, be careful what you target.
The two heros save some Marines.
- Marine 8(female): To close! To damn close!
- Marine9: Yeah! I never thought i'd value being able to sit down so much!
- Stacker: hahah-Fuck up.
- Marine 9:Bite me
- Stacker: What cunt?
- Marine 9: Knock knock
- Stacker: Who's there?
- Marine 9: Sucka.
- Stacker: Sucka who?
- Marine 9: "Sucka-my-ball-sacks!
- Stacker: *Falcon kicks the marine to the ground*
- Marine 9: Hey! Now that, was uncalled for!
- Stacker: *Curb Stomps the marine and breaks his face*
- Arbiter: What happend here?
- Stacker: His face attacked my boot.
- Marine 8(female): What? No, this is m-
- Stacker: "THIS, IS, SPARTAAAAAA! *Kicks Marine off elevator*
- Stacker: Bitch!
Everyone takes the elevator up to the landing pad. Marines and Arbiter board Pelican.
- Arbiter: Aren't we missing one?
Meanwhile, back down in the barracks.
- Marine 8: That was great! *Puts clothes back on*
- Glenn Quagmire: So, when are we gonna do it again?
- Marine 8: Oh, call me, here's my number. *hands him a small piece of paper with phone number on it.*
- Glenn Quagmire: *looks at camera* All Riiight! *drills the words Giggity Giggity Goo into the wall.*
- Marine 8: Wait! Wait! I'm coming!
- Stacker: Here she comes.
- Arbiter: Finally. Hurry along.
Female marine goes to SIT DOWN on the pelican seat...
- Marine 8: Oh, damnit, I really should of thought of that.
- Marine 9: Oh the irony...
Stacker leans out of the pelican and unloads a whole clip into the marine with his battle rifle
Stacker: I hope that shuts him up.