Prophet of Truth
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Cquote1In Soviet Russia, Keyes unlock YOU!!Cquote2
— Jacob Keyes himself
For those born without a sense of humour, Halopedia has an article on Jacob Keyes.

Early Life and the UNSC Edit

Captain Keyes

Jacob Keyes

Captain Jacob Sacagawea Chuck Norris Keyes, aka The Muffin Man, was born on Pluto, where he was given birth to and raised by Drinols. Captain Keyes' mother was a Drinol whore and got impregnated by Captain James Cutter (Captain Keyes' real father). Nine months later, Keyes was born and Cutter ran as far away from Pluto as possible. Early life for Keyes was difficult for coming to terms with being only half Drinol and his step father was a very horny Drinol who beat and molested him every day. Captain Keyes left Uranus at the age of 17 to join Nipple Academy, and being the only non-Grunt there, he was targeted by Grunt bullies. After two long years of being bullied by Grunts, Keyes changed his mind about joining the Covenant and instead joined the UNSC. Keyes climbed through the ranks of UNSC Navy and got his own ship called the Pillar of Autism Autumn. Keyes got bored one day and had a one night stand with Catherine Halsey resulting in the birth of Miranda Keyes (also known as Johnson's bitch), who was a quarter Drinol. This explains how Miranda was able two hold both a shotgun and pistol (this pissed off a lot of Noobs resulting with them throwing their controllers at their TV's).

Over Alpha and Omega Hula Hoop Edit

A couple of years later the UNSC planet You Can't Reach Your Red Cock was attacked by the Covenant, so Keyes fled with the Master Chief, some retarded marines, a Sergeant Johnson and Cortana in the Pillar of Autisum. Drifting through space the crew of the POA soon had a giant blood orgy to pass the time. One of the marines got knocked up, and promptly tossed their baby into the garbage airlock. But it was soon discovered through extensive research that babies had a small angel in their stomachs that would control their laughter, and comfort them when they cried. Naturally, this angel was wanted for sexual experiments by the captain. A search and rape rescue op was

Some tactician....

Some tactician he is...

soon underway, and in asking a space prostitute for directions,they soon came across the Gaylo supwerwhopper . Soon enough the Covenant atacked the POA forcing the POAs crew to leave but being the retard as he was Keyes decided to stay. The POA crashed on Alpha Hula Hoop's surface amazingly Keyes didn't die, most likely due to the fact that he was half Drinol. Keyes was later captured by the Covenant because he asked a Jackhole for directions. Later onboard the Covenant ship The Truth and Retardation, Captain Keyes was being held captive he was later rescued by the Master Chief but he took all the credit and they both escaped, because the Chief was intelligent and decided giving the Spirit's control to Keyes was safer than to the hands of the retarded Marines, knowing that they would crash it into a tree.

Contact with the Flood Edit

AIDs Beachball

The flood beachball that Jacob Keyes had become

The next day Keyes went looking for Covenant weapons with Sergeant Johnson and his marines. But instead were mugged by the Flood. Resulting in Keyes being forced into submission and his transformation into a flood beachball. Later on board The Truth and Retardation, Master Chief found the flood beachball of what Keyes had become. He punched Keyes's face for his Neural Shoelace which enabled him and Cortana to blow up the Pillar of Autumn somehow and destroy Alpha Hula Hoop.

Legacy Edit

His legacy lived on because his skin became a famous brand of Grunt toilet paper which lasted for centuries.


Keyes' favourite word is "Earth". He uses it whenever it comes up in a conversation.

Cut Scenes Halo Combat Evolved (Machinima00:53

Cut Scenes Halo Combat Evolved (

{On board the Pillar of Autumn}
Captain Keyes: They'll learn everything...Earth.
John-117: I underst—
Captain Keyes: Earth.
John-117: (silence) ...I—
Captain Keyes: Earth.

{Capture by the Flood}
Cortana: He's one of them!
Captain Keyes: Earth.

{As a Flood Soccer Ball}

Gravemind: Yo yo yo Keyes! Where b ya home planet? Or should I call it "Homie Planet"? Hahaha! C'mon, brah! Mah AIDS need to eat!

Jacob Keyes: Earth, brah.


Cquote1I didn't load my pistol even though we're being boarded, so you're pretty much f*****Cquote2
— Keyes being an ass
Cquote1Don't be a fool, bring a flamethrower!Cquote2
— Keyes giving advice to Master Chief


Chuck NorrisCompute-whoreBadass MofoJohnson's BitchFlood Beach Ball1000x better than Captain KeyesWarthog Guy

Covenant/Covenant Separatist
E.T. Gone BadTartar SauceArbiturdRats in a Vacuum|Nothing's Wrong.Used ta' Go H.A.M. Over Leather-hamThat guy named after what made Jessi Slaughter cry.Prophet of SagginessBoss Battle #1Prophet of PimpsFemale Prophets Exist??Suck'a ZombieDem D-BagsThe Ugly TurkeyDa Crusadaz|Worms in your PieMORE worms in your pie...Gawd 'Allmyghtee
LightbulbCaptain Stinky BreathKing of GruntsYapyap the FirstAnother grunt with the Yapyap name"Pope" Yapyap IIITIDDLESThat Whiney Assfaced Jerk

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