— Captain crunch
Planet Reach burnin

HA look at them noobs burn

Human ships blah

The HUMANS go to kill the Covie ships

Were you looking for planet Reach? If you were then you're out of luck cause it is just a flaming shithole now. Here is why. The Battle of Reach was the largest failure in UNSC history, apart from the Covies finding Earth. Its story was only told in depth in some book but now the Bungie gods are making it a game so it goes better. We still get our asses kicked. And its all the stinky Keyes' fault for letting the split faces attach a drone to his ship and following him to Reach. Reach is known for its free peaches that's why the Covenant wanted it dead. Since they get no free peach.

Opening fightEdit

It all started when a mommy Covie fleet joined a daddy wormhole and created a screw up in Human plans. The Covie Elites brought something like 400 whale ships to Reach to steal the peaches. But the Humans said hellz no. That was stupid since all they had were 100 worthless Frigates and some flying sticks(battlestations). MC and some Spartans were there too aboard the Pillar of Autumn. The POA was busy screwing around when the Whale ships hit. Honestly those Covie swiss cheese beams flattened us before we could even spit at 'em. WTF? Many human Frigates ran off like fools only to be sliced up by a Covie Fagship.

Gamma StationEdit

Since humans were so frightened that the Profits will find Earth, they really pissed themselves when Gamma Station fucked up by offering some maps to the Elites in exchange for crack. MC and his posse came to stop them. They killed some aliens, blew up a Tripod, and killed the traitors. After blowing up the maps all the MC's spartans died, he escaped. Gamma Station blew up, then some Whale ships blew up, and then you blew up. That was the humans' only victory there.

Ground fightEdit

A million Covie troops hit the beaches of Omaha beach on Reach to destroy some nuclear power plants powering our Flying Sticks. After using some nukes to blow up a Whale and kill some Jackals, the spartans failed again. Power plants were destroyed and even worse, they stole our peaches! Then the Whale ships began to decorate Reach with glass panes. It looked awful. UGH. More guys died-yadayadayada- POA ran off-yadayadayada- and once again we lost. Was there ever a doubt? More people managed to escape through the orbital checkpoint to the west.


  • 1 million noobs
  • 50 spartans
  • Me
  • Glenn Martin
  • Homer Simpson
  • You
  • Some pricks
  • Chicks
  • the New York Giants


  • a thousand Jackholes
  • Profit of Vandalism
  • More pricks
  • a Hunter
  • Brittany Spears
  • King George XII
  • Vergil
  • Frodo

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