- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER-F***ING ALIENS ON THIS MOTHER-F***ING RING!
- — Avery Johnson over Alpha Hula Hoop
- Men, we led these dumb bugs here to keep them from getting their filthy claws on Earth and Cortana. But we found something their so hot over, their scrambling over each other to get it! I don't care if it's God's personal anti-son of a bitch machine, Cortana, or a giant
hula hoopdildo! We are not gonna let them have it! What we will let 'em have is a bellyfull of lead, and a pool of their own blood to drown in! Am I right Marines?
- — Avery Johnson on Alpha Hula Hoop
- I woulda bin yo daddy but a dog beat me over the fence! Shoop Da Whoop!!!!!!!!!!
- — Avery Johnson just before Chuck Norris beat him over the head with a Death stick, but he didn't die (of course)because for some reason he's invincible
''Sergeant Major Avery Samuel L. "Magic" Johnson', A.K.A. Mr. T., CHUCK NORRIS COUZIN, or Jimi Hendrix's Brother, is the mortal avatar of Morgan Freeman, and is the galaxy's number one badass and player (although Cortana is the number one badass, she kills with her electric sex), serving in the UNSC Marine Corps since he was a fetus. A Lightbulb tried to kill him, but failed as his badassness deflected the beam and it hit the bulb in the face. Johnson is also known as God, and puts the fear of himself into his enemies. He is also referred to as War, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Avery Johnson is the only man known to be immune to AIDS (Shoop Da Whoop!) Why he is immune is unknown, wait, that's a lie. He would be usually be found in the bathroom with grunts with gruntiness and jackasses smoking atmospheric plasma which explains why you don't see him or grunts and jackholes with AIDS. There is also a chance that the fact that being God helps. It may also be traces of Chuck Norris' and Mr. T's training.
Some speculate that Johnson may have had come in contact with Gruntiness. It is unknown how he survived contact with it, but he might have been able to do so by hugging an Elite for warmth. He is also immune to Halos, Lightbulbs, and everything else. Some also speculate that he passed this onto his girlfriend, Jilan al-Cyngi.
Others hold that his ability to resist AIDS and to survive even in space is derived from the fact that he is God incarnate, able to smite his enemies by "putting the fear" of him into them. Though he fell in battle against a pitiful lightbulb, legends hold that he shall rise during the end times and raise an army of Badass to stop the Master Chief's apocalyptic slaughter.
Others claim that it's because he's black, but that would be racial profiling.
One of the thing that makes him so badass is that he always has a funny or smart comment for any situation. He says that he comes up with them himself, but he actually has a small "Book O' Funny and Smart Comments for Any Situation", which he stole from Bernie Mac. Whenever he is not fighting, he is busy looking at himself in a
mirror and memorizing the quotes or making love to high ranking officials, though this has only been physically recorded once in his random autobiography Contact Harvest. And he cusses so much n00bs set clocks using him.
Indeed, it is known that God's quotes have caused grunts - even when in a fit of raging gruntiness - to explode from laughter. Even Hunters, who shouldn't even have the capabilities to make such a sound, have fallen apart and collapsed to the ground, spilling their bodies - which are believed to be made of silly string, to fall to the floor. Then he lets the children play in them. Ah, life was good.
In fact, his greatest joke may have been "Laugh." At which point, an entire Covenant armada lost control of their vessels and crashed them into Kashyyyk, the Wookie home-world, cratering it into a gray barren wasteland. Today, this place is known as the moon. This was his rarest and funniest quotes to the Master Chief:
Rumors surround Johnson's early childhood years. Some claim that he was trained by the ghosts of Bruce Lee, Chuck
Norris, Mr T., Chuck Norris' sidekick, Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee, and Bob Barker who taught how use his magic powers whoo ahhhh and upon learning the secrets of the Infinite Universe, gained infinite immortality and became the man he is. Others claim that he is a Human-Alien hybrid, created by Weyland-Yutani Corporation, and has escaped to start a new life on the outside.
Rumors have circulated for decades that Johnson was trained by Yoda while stranded on a, hence on the name random swamp planet, random swamp planet in the ways of the Force, but Yoda's little and green and Johnson [he wouldn't have cared.] Others claim that he is the Chosen One, who will bring balance to the Force. Johnson hates balance, and will instead kill yo momma. Many say he is The Noobinator because his badassness once caused the destruction of opposing noob forces with a simple glance.
The ghosts of Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and Mr T. follow Johnson wherever he goes, giving him helpful advice on life, the universe, and everything. Only Johnson can see them, prompting confusion among those around him from repeated outbursts of "I pity the Fool!"